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I Shakespeare 

1 mater Cure 




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$ ACTING PLAYS £ 

1 DRILLS AND MARCHES } 

EN fERTAINMENTS 



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A new copyright series suitable for amateur representation, especially 



HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 132 Nassau St., N. Y. 



i 



6 adapted to the uses of schools. The Plays are fresh and bright; the Drills Q 

± and Marches meet the requirements of both sexes, of various ages ; the ^ 

^ entertainments are the best of their sort. The Prices are Fifteen V 

A < ents each, unless another price is stated. Figures in the right hand ^ 

^ columns denote the number of characters. M, male ; F, female. ^ 

A One=Act Farces and Comediettas A 

+ (15 CENTS EACH.) MF . # 

V An Irish Engagement (lively and laughable) 42^ 

A Popping the Question (always brings down the house) 24^ 

^ Which is Which? (graceful, comical and bright) 3 3^ 

^ Lend Me Five Shillings (provokes continuous mirth) 52^ 

A How to Tame Your Mbther-in-Law (extravagantly comical) 4 2 A 

\ Mulcahy'S Cat (Irish low life— Harrigan style) 2 1 1 

^ All in der Family (comic Dutch character sketch) 42^ 

A Funnibone'S Fix (the woes of an Editor) 62^ 

^ A Cup ot Tea (spirited and popular ; acts well) 3 1 ^ 

^ To Let — Furnished (has a good " dude " character) 31^ 

^ The Obstinate Family (one of the funniest of farces) 3 3 A 

\ More Blunders Than One (comic Irish character) 4 3 f[ 

^ The Stage-Struck Yankee (funny straight through) 42^ 

^ The Vermont Wool Dealer (suits everybody) 5 3 i 

The Women's Club ("The Broken-Hearted Club") 4 3 ^ 

Twenty and Forty (has a frisky old-maid part) 46^ 

Betsey Baker (creates explosive laughter) 22^ 

Freezing a Mother-in-Law (a screaming farce 3 2 f 

At Sixes and Sevens (a gay piece— sure to make a hit) 3 4 A 

Change Partners (comic and vivacious) 2 3 a 

A Dark Noight's Business (full of real Irish tun) 3 1 r 

^ A Purty Shure Cure (comic, with a temperance moral) 2 1 A 

^ My Neighbor's Wife (sprightly and ludicrous) 3 3^ 

T Who Got the Pig ? (An Irish jury case) 31^ 

A Turn Him Out (wildly farcical) 3 2 A 

^ FipeS and Perdition (a funny Mother-in-Law pice) 2 -z \ 

T Djt Mat Tog (Dutch and Irish courtship) -2 1 W 

A His First Brief (elicits shouts of laughter) 3. 2 ^ 

. Dot Quied Lotchings (Dutch boarding-house sketch) 5 1 \ 

V My Precious Betsey (indescribably funny) 44 V 

A The Ou Id Man's Coat- 1 ails (Irish farce) 3 1 A 

. A Happy Pair (their quarrels and making-up arc very entertaining) 1 1 \ 

f Picking up the Pieces (brilliant dialogue ; old bachelor and widow).. 1 1 $F 

A Cut Off With a Shilling (snappy, funny and brisk) 2 1 

^ Uncle's Will (one of the best of the short plays) 2 1 

A Case for Eviction (bright, with a comic climax) 1 2 

A A Pretty Piece of Business (always "takes") 2 3 

*T Who is Who? (makes 40 minutes of laughter) 3 2 

1 Second Sight (or "Your Fortune for a Dollar").. , 4 1 

^ That Rascal Pat (the leading character is a blundering Irishman) 3 2 

t! Good for Nothing (" Nan" is always well received) 5 1 

y An Unexpected Fare (humorous scene at an "afternoon tea ") «. 15^ 

\ Ice On Parle Francais (one prolonged hurrah of fun) 3 4 A 

W The Rough Diamon i (dialogue and situations excellent) 4 3 W 

JlimbO Jum (full of genuine humor and fun) ". 4 3 # 

A A Quiet Family (fetches shouts of laughter) 4 4^ 

V My Lord in Livery (provokes uproarious mirth) 5 3 W 

A Regular Fix (an old favorite that always goes well) 64^ 



J 






THE 



/ 



SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE 



H Burlesque Corned in Zbvcc Hcte 




BY 

U THE LARKS" 

Copyright, 1883, by Roorbach & Company 
Copyright, 1897, by Harold Roorbach 




NEW YORK 

HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher 
132 Nassau Street 









THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE 



CHARACTERS. 



Hamlet Gloomy and poetic. 

Macbeth Sulky and henpecked. 

Romeo . Stage-struck and quarrelsome. 

Shylock Crafty and greedy. 

Othello Loquacious and passionate. 

Lady Macbeth Destitute and fierce. 

Ophelia Dull and clinging. 

Juliet Flippant and discontented. 

Portia Learned and ambitions. 

Ghost Mute and innocuous. 



Act I.— The Hallway. Act II.— The Parlor. Act III.— The 
Banquet Hall. 



Time of Representation.— Two Hours. 



PROPERTIES. 

Act I.— Chair, large pocketbook and bundle of old clothes for Shy- 
lock. 

Act II.— Table and tea-things. Chairs. Book and bottle of camphor 
for Juliet. Three caskets, one of them containing a miniature, for Por- 
tia. Spoon and box of pills for Ophelia. Scroll (Caesar's will) for 
Romeo. Banjo and handkerchief for Shylock. Skull and bones, 
large black-bordered letter, large bonnet-pin, small flask and bonnet, for 
Hamlet. 

Act III. — Table arranged for dinner. Dishes, containing each a 
small fish, chicken, spare-rib and baked beans. Chairs. Sofa-pillow. 
Telephone, constructed of cords and empty tomato-cans. Huge roll of 
manuscript and spectacles for Shylock. Banjo for Othello. 
2 



TMP92-008S69 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 



SUGGESTIONS FOR COSTUMES. 

Lady Macbeth. 

Black velvet gown ; immense head-dress of black ostrich feathers 
and flowing black lace ; leather belt, hung with knives, pistols and 
steels. 

Ophelia. 

Long robe of soft white material, trimmed with flowers and lon rt 
grasses ; flowing hair, and wreath of flowers. 

Portia. 

Student's full black gown and square cap. Carries green baize bag 
for law-papers. 

Juliet. 

Long, tight-fitting, light-colored robe, over white satin petticoat em- 
broidered with silver and pearls ; thin white veil, spangled with gold 
and silver, thrown over head and shoulders. 

Macbeth. 

Dark red hose, plaid kilt, dark red jacket with plaid scarf over 
shoulder, small red cap with stiff feathers at side. Wears large sword. 

Hamlet. 

Black velvet doublet and trunks, black hose, short cloak and black 
velvet cap. Carries skull. 

Shylock. 

Long flowered dressing-gown, long gray hair, black skull-cap. 

Romeo. 

Purple velvet doublet, trunks and hat, lilac hose and jewelled belt, 
blonde wig. 

Othello. 

Full Turkish white trousers, red jacket, waiter's apron, a great deal 
of cheap jewelry and a colored turban. Blackens his face and hands. 

In Third Act men all appear in their trunks and hose and modern 
dress-coats. Shylock wears faded calla-lily in his buttonhole. Por- 
tia wears white veil thrown over her student's cap. 



ABBRE VIA TIONS. 

In observing, the player is supposed to face the audience. R. means 
right ; L., left ; c, centre ; R. c, right of centre ; l. c, left of centre. 



4 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

SUGGESTIONS FOR THE PROGRAMME. 
" We your humble patience fray, gently to hear, kindly to judge our play" 

THE ARGUMENT. 

Staying at a water-cure establishment are : Hamlet, for his health, 
with his wife Ophelia ; Macbeth and Lady Macbeth, for economical 
reasons, in need of the needful ; Mrs. Bassanio, enjoying a legal vaca- 
tion. The Montagues having been disowned by both their houses, Mr. 
R. M. has taken to the stage', and is here with his travelling company 
and his wife. Shvlock, wishing to possess Portia's gold, bribes Lady 
Macbeth to incite'her husband to the murder of Bassanio, so that Shy- 
lock may marry the fair heiress. All of which is accomplished, and 
a wedding dinner, under the superintendence of Othello, is given by 
the patients to the happy bride and bridegroom. 

"Admit me Chorus to this History." 

PATIENTS 

at present under treatment at this celebrated hydropathy 

Portia, 

Who of legal knowledge has obtained such a grip, is by 

Shylock 

taken info partnership. 

Lady Macbeth. 

" Here's employment for thee." 

Macbeth. 

** Wliat is to do f The deed without a name." 

Juliet. 

" Romeo, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet." 

Romeo. 

" / take thee at thy word " — and he did. 

Ophelia, 

"A little more than kin," and 

Hamlet 

"less than kind." 

Othello. 

Hereafter haunted by Desdy's-mother. 

SCENE.— Act I., The Hallway. Act II., The Parlor. Act II., The 
Banquet Hall. 

" 'Tis true that a good play needs no epilogues." 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 



ACT I. 

SCENE.— The hall. Chair, L. 

Lady Macbeth discovered standing, R. 

Lady Macbeth. Here have we boarded now these six long 
months — ever since that doleful day when we fled Scotland in 
such haste. Things were not exactly pleasant there when we 
came away. There had been a slight struggle for the crown, 
which ended rather unfortunately for King Duncan and his family 
who happened to be staying in our own castle at the time. But 
all's fair in love and war, and I never could see why the nobility 
and gentry chose to make it so unpleasant for us afterwards. 
Banquo in particular gave us a good deal of trouble, and I be- 
lieve it took some time before he was finally settled. The whole 
thing did not amount to much, and never bothered me in the 
least ; but it worried Macbeth considerably, for he was yet but 
young in deed, and needed seasoning. In fact, all this rather 
unhinged Macbeth's mind, and utterly ruined his digestion ; he 
got into the way of seeing ghosts whenever we gave a dinner- 
party, and so he gradually took to drink, and has never been 
the same man since. Each day sees him more of a prey to whims 
and whisky. So long as that unfortunate prejudice against us 
prevails in our native country I suppose we shall be obliged to 
stay in this wretched establishment, whose owner dubs it by cour- 
tesy a Water-Cure. Only this morning the wretch waylaid me 
with a bill, the which I cannot pay, for ducats are not ready in 
my purse ; my last went to that fool Bassanio when he staked 
his all at poker weeks ago. Unless we raise the money by this 
coming eve the landlord swears that we must go. Oh ! lordly 
family of great Macbeth, why should we sink to such a level of 
disgrace that common people glory in thy fall ? 

ENTER Shylock, l. 

Ha ! here comes the usurer ! Perhaps from him I may gain 
help. 

5 



6 THE SHAKESPEARE WA TER-CURE. 

Shylock (holding up old clothes). Old clo'es, old hats, here 
you are, very cheap ! Old hats for new ones ! Old clo'es for 
new ones ! 

Sings. Air, " Little Buttercup." — Pinafore. 

Buy of your Shylock, 
Dear little Shylock — 
Strangers should never be 

Lady M. {interrupting). ShyAock ! Good Shylock, thou 
hast come in time ! 

Shy. Sayest thou so ? Would'st have a hat ? Or, see this 
beauteous coat ! Twas made to fit a king. It once belonged 
to Duncan, an outrageous dunce, who met his death in Scotland. 

Lady M. (in anger). Remove the cloak ! I wish it not. 
Lend ear, O Jew ! I need bright gold to aid me in a new dis- 
tress. My landlord sues, yet not a sou can I him give. I want 
three thousand ducats for three months. 

Shy. (aside). The very sum I lost by curst Antonio ! (To 
Lady M.) And what return dost offer me for this amount ? 

Lady M. Macbeth, my lord — he shall be bound. 

Shy. Nay, I have better plans on foot. Knowest thou 
Bassanio ? 

Lady M. Ay, marry do I — far too well. He plays a clever 
hand at cards. 

Shy. Out on the Island he now serves a term for monopoliz- 
ing private gutters. He hath a tender heart, and ribs that will 
not stop a tickling knife directed inward ; — dost catch ? 

Lady M. Hardly ! 

Shy. What, hardly ? 

Lady M. Well — with considerable difficulty. 

Shy. List ! Take thou assistants — let them row thee out to 
where Bassanio doth still reside. Then, when 'tis dark, do 
away with him ! \ Clock strikes off stage. 

Lady M. What — murder ! (Counting the clock's strokes.) 
One ! — two ! 

Shy. No, only one. 

Lady M. Why dost thou wish this wretch to die ? 

Shy. Because, forsooth, I much desire just Portia to be my 
wedded wife. Then he hath disgraced me and hindered me of 
half a million ; laughed at my losses, mocked at my gains ; and 
what's his reason ? I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes ? Hath 
not a Jew hands, affections, passions ? Is he not warmed and 
cooled by the same summer and winter as a Christian is ? If 
you poison us, do we not die ; and, if you wrong us, shall we 
not revenge ? Perhaps herein thou may'st discern the drift of 
all I would convey. 



THE SHAKESPEARE WA TER-CURE, 7 

Lady M. Tis rather shady — but, go on ! 

Shy. Now, lady, think ! A thousand — ay, three thousand — 
ducats for only one swift stroke. Else no money shall I lend, 
and thou may'st hanged be for aught I care. 

Lady M. (advancing j aside). 'Tis cheap ! I mind not 
blood ! (To Shylock.) Thou upright Jew, I do accept thy 
offer ; but give me first securities. {Aside.) This night Mac- 
beth shall kill the dog. 

Shy. Here (gives Lady Macbeth large pocketbook), swear 
by the skull of Hamlet thou play not false ! 

Lady M. I swear it ! 

Shy. Then speed the task ! Let not Bassanio observe the 
morning sun that shall tomorrow see the happy Shylock weav- 
ing his cunning web around the queenly Portia ! (Aside.) She 
who owns far more of yellow gold than Croesus. Aha ! thou 
shalt be rich, thou sneaking Jew ! (To Lady Macbeth.) Ajew 
— ajew ! (EXIT, L., singing.) 

Old, old beaver hats, old coats buy ! 

Have them cheap from Shylock — buy, buy, buy ! 

ENTER Macbeth, r. 

Lady M. Come here, Cawdor, and don't be speering around 
in that stupid fashion. 'Pon my word, you're the sorriest 
apology for a king I ever saw ! I'm positively ashamed of you ! 

Macbeth. Is that what you have to say to me ? Your dis- 
position is spoiling, I'm afraid, under this water treatment. 

Lady M. Never you mind nie, but gather what few sparks 
of courage you have left ; you'll need them, for I have work tor 
you. 

Mac. You have introduced the subject gracefully, I must say. 

Lady M. Your opinion is entirely uncalled for. I want a 
stroke done in the old line of business. 

Mac. What, the old business ! Surely not — you know ! 

Lady M. That's it exactly, and I can't see why it should 
cause such an outcry. 

Mac. What poor innocent have you been bulldozing now? 

Lady M. It's no quarrel of mine ; it's a friendly turn we are 
going to do for Shylock. 

Mac. For Shylock ! Does he take us for ordinary butchers ? 

Lady M. For extraordinary ones, maybe. But, be that as 
it may, Shylock wants Bassanio put out of the way, and I con- 
sider it a very delicate compliment on Shylock's part to give us 
the refusal of the first hack ! 

Mac. What is Shylock's grievance ? 

Lady M. I believe he holds a paid-up policy on Bassanio's 
life, and wants to realize. 



8 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

Mac. This is no affair of ours. Why do you bother your 
head with it ? 

Lady M. Simply because I am out of practice and money, 
and here is an opportunity for getting both. Why make so 
many words about so simple a thing ? 

Mac. You know we came here for seclusion and reforma- 
tion ; this is the great country for reform, so they say. We 
have had enough of this kind of sport, and after my last tiff with 
Duff I was glad of a little rest. Furthermore, it would be an 
infringement of the game laws to kill a man at this time of year. 

Lady M. That is so, I will admit, but we must have money 
to keep up appearances, and everything possible has been 
pawned, including the crown jewels and the conundrum dagger. 
What easier way than this is there of making it ? Besides, we 
are adepts in the art, and it will be attended with no risk. 

Mac. How do you purpose to manage it ? 

Lady M. I leave that to you. Where there's a will there's 
a way. 

Mac. But I have no will in this matter, and I have not yet 
sunk to the level of a common cut-throat. 

Lady M. My will is that it shall be done ; so don't bandy 
words with me. If you don't like to cut his throat, you might 
rummage among his ribs. 

Mac. Suppose I agree to do this, how shall I clear myself if 
I am caught ? 

Lady M. With a plea of accident, or temporary insanity. 
There would be no difficulty with the latter plea, \\\ yoicr case. 

Mac. I have no quarrel with Bassanio. 

Lady M. Such a trifling consideration as that never used to 
hinder you. 

MAC. If we should fail ! 

Lady M. But screw your courage to the sticking-place, and 
we'll not fail. 

Mac. We will proceed no further in this business at present. 
I want time for thought. 

Lady M. No, Glamis, there is no time like the present ! 
This is the tide in our affairs that is to lead to fortune ; and 
Shylock wants immediate answer. 

Mac. I decline to act upon compulsion. 

Lady M. Fy, my lord, iy ! A soldier, and afeared ? 

Mac. I am not. I dare do all that may become a man ; 
who dares do more is none. 

Lady M. Then prove it. 

Mac. How much does Shylock give for this work ? 

Lady M. Three thousand ducats. 

Mac. What guarantee have you that he will perform his 
part of the contract ? 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 9 

Lady M. He has given security. 

Mac. Of what nature ? 

Lady M. He has given me his word, two dozen pawn 
tickets, and one hundred shares of Brooklyn Bridge stock. 

Mac. His munificence is princely. I will yield me to thy 
wishes, although it is a thought whose horrid image doth unfix 
my hair, and make my seated heart knock at my ribs against 
the use of nature. 

Lady M. Be bloody, bold and resolute ! Yet do I fear thy 
nature ; it is too full of the milk of human kindness. 

Mac. If 'twere done, when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were 
done quickly ! My mind's made up ! Let no compunctious 
visitings of nature shake my fell purpose now. {Sharpens his 
sword on steel at Lady Macbeth's belt.) I'll go to prepare 
my case of instruments, and do you pack my satchel and put 
up my luncheon. (Sings. Air, " Bonnie Dundee.") 

In my boat I will row to the Isle of Blackwell, 

And visit poor Bassy, shut up in his cell ; 

And I'll comfort him there with my keen-pointed blade, 

And for this by the crafty Shylock will be paid. 
Then fill up my cup, and fill up my can, 
Go pack up my luncheon, for I am your man ; 
And ope the back portal, and out let me go, 
For I'll hence to the murder of Bassanio ! 

With men in striped clothes Backwell's Isle it is filled, 
And there they've put Bassy— so easily killed ; 
But cheer up, my laddie, and lonesome ne'er be, 
For you've not seen the last o' my dagger and me ! 
Then fill up my cup, and fill up my can, 
Go pack up my luncheon, for I am your man ; 
And ope the back portal, and out let me go, 
For I'll hence to my revel with Bassanio ! 

[EXEUNT Macbeth, r. ; Lady Macbeth, l. 

CURTAIN. 



I o THE SI/ A KESPEA RE WA TER- C URE. 



ACT II. 

SCENE. — The parlor. Door at back, c. Doors R. and L. 
Table, R. C, set with tea-things, etc. Chair at table, and 
others about the room. 

Juliet (yawning and throwing her book aside). I wonder 
why it is that I cannot keep my mind on anything in particular 
for more than ten minutes, unless it's a novel by " The Duchess " 
or the Society page of a Sunday newspaper ! It is wonderful 
how accomplished I am, in spite of all this. But above every- 
thing I am a diplomat ! Romeo himself must have realized 
this when he made the remark: "She speaks, but she says 
nothing." Precious few girls could have kept Romeo and 
County Paris on the string at the same time, as I did. The only 
mistake I made was in marrying the wrong one. Ah ! on that 
seductive night, when I leaned over the little balcony leading 
from my room and beheld Romeo's handsome figure passing 
below, how little did I think when I said : "O, be some other 
name ! What's in a name ? That which we call a rose, by any 
other name would smell as sweet ; so Romeo would, were he not 
Romeo called, retain that dear perfection which he owes, with- 
out that title. Romeo, doff thy name " — how little did I think 
that he would doff it for a stage name and join a miserable 
travelling stock company that never stays two nights in a single 
place. (Rising.) Is there no pity sitting in the clouds that sees 
into the bottom of my grief? Alack! Alack! that Heaven 
should practise stratagems upon so soft a subject as myself ! 
To think that Capulet's daughter should have to scheme to get 
a new dress from her lord ! Is that Romeo's step ? Be still, 
my heart — I'm scared to death to see him. I ordered a new 
gown this morning to be sent C. O. D. 

ROMEO {outside). All the world's a stage, and all the men 
and women merely players. They have their exits 

ENTER Romeo, c. 

•Jul. I wish you could make your final stage exit. 

Romeo. And their entrances, and one man in his time plays 
many parts. — I play Mike Antony to-morrow. {Sits R.) 

JUL. The noblest Roman on the Mall ! {Sits L.) 

Rom. Yes ; it has come to this, and all for you ! I, Romeo, 
forced to act for a living ! 



THE SHA KESPEA RE WA TER- C URE. 1 1 

JUL. Well, it's not the first time a Montague has graced the 
stage, and we must never forget that we belong to the F. F. V.'s. 

Rom. The which ? 

Jul. The first families of Verona, to be sure. 

Rom. Yes, Juliet, we are the children of rich but honest 
parents, tho' in the flower of our youth cut off — without a shil- 
ling. A plague on both our houses ! 

Jul. Romeo, for which of my good parts did you first suffer 
love for me ? 

Rom. Suffer love — a good epithet ! I do suffer love indeed ! 
Our families were against the match ; but as you fairly threw 
yourself at my head, what could 1 do ? 

Jul. Oh ! would that I had never told my love, but let con- 
gealment, like a worm in the mud, feed on my damaged cheek ; 
tho' I pined in thought, and, with a green and mellow lemon- 
choly, sat like Patience on a monument, smiling at grief ! 

Rom. And. I pray thee now, tell me for which of my bad 
parts didst thou first fall in love with me ? 

Jul. For them all together. — Romeo, darling, I want a new 
gown. 

Rom. He jests at scars that never felt a wound. — I am mad. 

Jul. Mad ? 

Rom. No, not mad, but bound more than a madman is 

Jul. Romeo ! 

Rom. Shut up — in prison, kept without food, poverty- 
stricken, my only fortune (my wife) is my misery ! 

Jul. Romeo, I must have a new one ! 

Rom. And you say must to me, madam ? And dare you 
then to beard the lion in his den ? The proverb is somewhat 
musty. — Now, do be reasonable. You know what a small 
salary I get as heavy man in this travelling theatrical company, 
and we have had heavy bills of late to meet. There's your old 
nurse's pension, and 

Jul. Yes, and your apothecary's account ; and then it was 
but yesterday you actually gave Friar Lawrence ten dollars for 
the Cathedral Fund ! 

Rom. Teach me how I should forget to think ! And to 
think, if it had not been for that meddlesome old nurse and 
bothersome friar, I might even now have been in Verona, well 
married to 

Jul. Whom ? 

Rom. Some one else. 

Jul. Well, Romeo, you certainly have not as much to com- 
plain of as I have ; the girl you were in love with, Rosaline, 
would not even look at you, whereas County Paris was my 
adoring slave. 

Rom. Why didn't you marry him, then ? 



12 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

Jul. 'Twas not that I loved Paris less, but Rome-o more. — 
However, as we are married, I mean to make the best ot it. 

Rom. I see you do. 

Jul. Why can't you afford me a new gown ? We certainly 
are not as poor as the Macbeths, and yet Lady Mac has just 
splurged out in a new black velvet. 

Rom. Don't talk to me about the Macbeths. It is nothing 
but the fear of the dame that makes me treat them with even 
common civility. 

Jul. I know her looks are against her ; but I don't believe 
she is as bad as she seems. I have not been introduced to her 
yet, 

Rom. On the contrary, she's worse than she seems. I even 
believe she murdered Ham's father ! 

Jul. Nonsense ! What could have been her object ? 

Rom. Money. Claudius doubtless paid her well for it. She 
will do anything for money. — We all have our price, they say. 

Jul. Romeo, don't revive those old scandals. It is a sure 
thing that Ham's father is dead and sugar-cured ; so do let his 
spirit rest ! 

Rom. But it won't rest, or give Ham any rest either ; ap- 
pearing to him three times a day just as regularly as meal-time. 
And see how spare he is ! Ophelia is quite worried about him. 
I sympathize with Ophelia. 

Jul. Don't concern yourself so much about Ophelia's trials, 
but come back to the tribulations of your own wife. Am I or 
am I not to have that new gown ? 

ROM. Early and late — early and late ! You'll ruin me ; 
there's no question about it. 

JUL. Romeo Montague, if I had known what a regular, 
mean, old screw you were, I should never have married you ! 

ROM. I would to heaven you had known ! Sirs, here's a 
dish I love not ; I cannot endure this lady's tongue. I must to 
work ! Juliet, just hear me these lines. But first I'll doff this 
habit and don my toga and assume the wig — 'twill put me in 
the spirit of the part. [EXIT, c. 

Jul. Why should he play the Roman fool, and strut and 
fret an hour upon the stage ? It will be a tale told by an idiot, 
full of sound and fury, but signifying nothing. Oh! it offends 
me to the soul to see a robustious, periwig-pated fellow tear a 
passion to tatters, to very rags, to split the ears of the ground- 
lings. I could have such a fellow whipped for o'er-doing ter- 
magant ! 

ENTER ROMEO, C, dressed in white toga bordered with 
purple. 

Romeo. " For us and for our tragedy, here stooping to your 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 



n 



clemency, we beg your hearing patiently." — Now, Juliet, give 
us the cue. 

Juliet, ist Citizen : "Peace ! let us hear what Antony can 
say ! Peace, ho ! let us hear him ! " 

ROM. [gesticulating wildly). " Friends " 

Jul. No more, my lord, no more of that ! You mar all by 
this starting. 

Rom. " Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears ! 
I come to bury Caesar" 

Jul. Great Caesar ! Is he dead ? 

Rom. Yes, he's a grave man. — "The evil that men do lives 
after them, unless they go to Europe till the blow is over. The 
noble Brutus hath told you Caesar was ambitious. What does 
Brutns know about it ? It's not his funeral. — If it were so, it 
was a grievous fault, and grievously hath Caesar answered it. 
He was my friend, faithful and just to me. He did give me a 
royal villa in the malarial suburbs, yet Brutus says he was am- 
bitious. Brutus is a horrible man — so are they all — all horrible 
men ! When that the poor have cried, Caesar hath wept, be- 
cause it cost him nothing and made him solid with the multi- 
tude. Was that hambition ? " 

Jul. ist Citizen :" No, no ! " 2d Citizen :" Go it, Antony ! " 

Rom. " You all did see that on the Lupercal I thrice presented 
him a kingly crown, which he did twice refuse. The third time 
he did try it on, and found it a misfit. Was this ambition ? No, 
no, a thousand times no! Ambition should be made of stuff 
stronger than this. If you have tears to shed, prepare to shed 
them now. Boo-hoo-hoo." (Weeps.) 

Jul. (scornfully). Why do you make such faces ? Where 
did you get that goose-look ? When all's done, you look but a 
fool ! 2d Citizen : " Poor soul, his eyes are red as fire with 
weeping ! " 

Rom. " Bear with me — my heart was in the coffin there with 
Caesar, and I did pause till it came back to me. But yesterday 
the word of Cassar might have stood against the World, the 
Times, the Tribune, the Herald or any other daily journal. To- 
day he lies — dead for a ducat — dead as a doornail ! " 

Jul. But do not saw the air too much with your hand — thus — 
but use all gently ; for in the very torrent, tempest and, as I 
may say, the whirlwind of passion, you must acquire and beget 
a temperance that may give it smoothness. 

Rom. Yes, marm. — "See, here's a parchment with the seal 
of Caesar (produces scroll) ; I got it from his lawyer — 'tis his 
will." 

Jul. Citizens: "The will — the will ! We will hear Caesar's 
will ! " 

Rom. " Have patience, gentle friends : 'twill take an hour to 



i 4 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

read. You all do know this garment {shows cloak) ; 'tis the 
most unkindest cut of all his clothes. I remember, I remember 
the first time ever Caesar put it on. Twas on a summer's even- 
ing in his guarded tent, ninety degrees in the shade — that day 
he overcame the Nervi-ous chill. — Look, in this place ran Cas- 
sius' dagger through ! Through this the et tu Brute stabbed ; 
and, as he plucked his cussed steel away, Mark ! Antony, how 
the blood of Caesar followed it ! — Good friends, sweet friends, 
let me not stir you up to such a sudden flood of gluttony " 

Jul. Mutiny ! 

Rom. Mutiny. — " I am no orator as Brutus is." 

Jul. Citizens : " No, no ; we know you all — a plain, blunt 
man that hath neither wit, nor words, nor worth." 

Rom. " You have forgot the will I told you of. To every 
single man a clerkship in the custom-house he gives, Moreover, 
he has left you all his clothes, milk-tickets, and his arctics ; he 
hath left them to you, and to your heirs forever. Here was a 
Caesar. Whence comes such another ? — The collection will now 
be taken up for the benefit of the remains." 

JUL. "Exeunt, body and all." 

Rom. Well ? 

Jul. Now take what course thou wilt ! I have already or- 
dered the gown. 

Rom. The mischief! Well, I here do give it thee with all 
my heart, which but thou hadst already, with all my heart I 
would keep from thee. 

Jul. Doubt that the stars are fire, 

Doubt that the sun doth move. 
Doubt truth to be a liar, 
But never doubt I love. 

Sh ! The melancholy Dane has come, the saddest ot them here ! 

ROM. I do desire we may be better strangers. {EXIT 

Romeo, R.) [Dirge heard outside. 

ENTER Hamlet, c, advancing slowly to front. He carries 
skull and bones. Music ceases when Hamlet stops. 
Juliet contemplates Hamlet as he enters, then drops into 
a chair with an expression of weariness. 

Hamlet (after a pause — not having noticed Juliet). To be, 
or not to be, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind 
to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take 
arms against a sea of troubles, and, by opposing, end them ? To 
die, to sleep — no more ; and by a sleep to say we end the heart- 
ache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to — 'tis a 
consummation devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep ; — to 
sleep ! Perchance to dream ; ay, there's the rub ; for 



THE SHA KESPEA RE VVA TER- C URE. 1 5 

Jul. (rising, and interrupting). Ay, rub up your manners, 
and take time to be polite ! 

Ham. (bowing). Mrs. Montague, I ask your pardon ; I was 
unware of your presence. (Coughs.') 

Jul. There needs no ghost, my lord, come from the grave to 
tell us this. But here, let me offer you some camphor ; you 
seem to be suffering with a severe cold. 

Ham. (sniffing camphor). You're right again. I don't see 
where I caught this dreadful cough. 

It was a cough that took him off; 
It was a coffin they took him off in. 

(Coughs.) Methinks I must have found it upon the platform the 
other evening while waiting for my shadowy father. 

Jul. Why, does your father deal in shad ? 

Ham. Madam, my father was a king, no fishmonger ! 
(Sneezes and coughs.) O that this too, too solid flesh would 

melt, thaw, and resolve itself into a dew ! But since it doesn't 

(his hand drops on skull). Alas, poor Yorick ! I knew him, 
Mrs. Montague ; a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. 
He hath borne me upon his back a thousand times — and now, 
behold him here ! 

Jul. Well, never mind if he did, Mr. Hamlet ; you shouldn't 
take these things so much to heart. Now, do you know, I think 
it's a bad thing for you to dress in that everlasting black ? Why 
don't you follow the example of my Romeo, for instance, and 
pay a little more attention to the fashions ? Good Hamlet, cast 
thy nightly color off, and let thine eye look like a friend on Juliet ! 

Ham. (sighing). Tis not alone my inky cloak, fair Juliet, nor 
customary suits of solemn black ; nor graves, nor bones, nor 
skulls, and all such bric-a-brac. No, no ! From my infancy 
up I have been the plaything of fortune ! 

I never had a piece of bread 

Particularly large and wide, 
But what it fell upon the floor, 

And always on the butter side. 

'Tis too, too bad ! (Paces the room.) But something too much 
of this ! My nerves are unstrung ! Sit still, my soul, sit still ! 
(To Juliet.) I'll seek my wife ! Can'st tell me where I'll find 
the fair Ophelia ? 

Jul. I saw her about an hour ago sitting by the horse- 
trough, and I dare say she is there yet. It's enough to give her 
her death of cold sitting around so in the damp ! 

Ham. Why, right ! You're always in the right ! And now 
I hold it fit that we shake hands and part. 



1 6 THE SHA KESPEA RE WA TEE- C URE. 

I'll go seek the lost Ophelia 

By the lakelet's sedgy shore ; 
And, departing, leave behind me 

Footprints on the parlor floor. 
Footprints that perhaps another, 

Coming to this Water-Cure, 
Some forlorn, impov'rished brother, 

Seeing, will prepare t'endure ! 

Good-morning! [Dirge. EXIT Hamlet, c. 

Jul. Well, now, that Dane is a curious combination — he is 
a regular puzzler ! We have been here now a week or more, 
and notwithstanding my best efforts I have not been able to 
make the slightest impression on him. But don't give up the 
ship, Juliet — with life there's hope ! Oh ! here comes Portia ! 

ENTER Portia, l. 
How do you do, Portia ? 

Portia, Quid nunc, how now, Juliet ? 

Jul. How now ? Why, I've just been talking with that 
spooky Hamlet ! 

POR. Hominis esterraj-e, the man is a little out of his head, 
but why mind that ? For in companions that do converse and 
waste the time together, whose souls do bear an equal yoke of 
love, there must be needs a like proportion of lineaments, of 
manners and of spirit. 

Jul. Well, I must say, Mrs. Bassanio, I don't think that 
you're very complimentary ! 

Por. Exceptis probat regulum, why take exception to what 
I say ? I never did repent for doing good, nor shall not now. 
Therefore no more of it ! 

Jul. I don't wonder Mrs. Macbeth was offended at you the 
other night, if this was the way you talked to her. 

Por. (sitting). To offend and judge are distinct offices and 
of opposed natures. 

Jul. Like Romeo and me ! By the way, how is Bassanio ? 

Por. Codit quastio, why do you question me ? But you 
press far, and therefore I will yield and be frank with you. 
Juliet, to tell you the truth, Bassanio has been a great disap- 
pointment to me. I cannot understand now how I ever came 
to marry him. If to do were as easy as to know what were 
good to do, chapels had been churches, and poor men's cottages 
princes' palaces. I can easier teach twenty what were good to 
be done than be one of the twenty to follow mine own teaching. 
The brain may devise laws for the blood ; but a hot temper 

Jul. Oh, Portia, the excuse thou dost make in this delay is 
longer than the tale thou dost excuse ! In what respect has thy 
lord disappointed thee ? 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 17 

POR. Oh, Juliet, in many ways ! But alter ego, worst of all, 
he is the most terrible spendthrift that ever lived. He has not 
only run through with every ducat that Antonio gave him, but, 
taking the advantage oi the affection which I at one time enter- 
tained for him, he little by little got possession of all the large 
estates left me by my virtuous father and lost it mostly in games 
of poker and baccarat which he played with Shylock. I tell 
you, Juliet — though please do not let it go any further — that it 
is extremely fortunate that I took to the law ; otherwise we 
should at this present moment undoubtedly be lodged in the 
poorhouse founded by my father's munificence at Belmont ! 

JUL. Well, Portia, I'm sorry for you. Marriage is a lottery. 
I speak from my own experience too. You really would have 
done better to marry Shylock. 

Por. Candida pax, hold your peace. I would rather be 
married to a death's head with a bone in its mouth. Bassanio 
at least is handsome and looks like a gentleman. But Shylock ! 
Faugh ! He's even worse than Antonio ! 

Jul.. He must be pretty bad then. 

Por. Veritas vincit, you speak truth. But at the same 
time please to remember, Juliet, that Antonio is my husband's 
friend. 

Jul. Yes ; but if it hadn't been for Antonio, Bassanio would 
never have married you. 

Por. Carpe diem, it's none of your business. 

Jul. You needn't get so angry, Portia. I'm sure I wish you 
well. 

Por. I thank you for your wish, and am well pleased to wish 
it back on you. 

JUL. {haughtily). I really must be going. 

Por. 'Twere good you do so much for charity. Waste no 
time in words but get thee gone. 

Jul. I consider what you have said nothing more nor less 
than a gross personal affront. 

Por. I pray you know me when we meet again. I wish you 
well, and so pray take your leave. 

Jul. Let me tell you, Mrs. Bassanio, you do not well to incur 
the enmity of Juliet. Put that in your pipe — and smoke it ! 
{EXIT, R.) 

Por. Casus belli, a bad case of empty-headedness ! She and 
her Romeo make a pretty couple indeed. A pair they are who 
pull not well in double harness. {Sits.) But, after all, Romeo's 
no worse than my own Bassanio, the spendthrift ! 

[SHYLOCK appears at door, C, and listens quietly. 
Bassy, Bassy, what shall I ever do with you ? His month's al- 
lowance has already gone, and on the Island is he boarding 
now, the guest of our fair city. {Falls into a reverie.) 
2 



1 8 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

ENTER Shylock, cautiously, carrying banjo. 

Shylock {aside. Sings. Air, " Nelly Gray "). 

Yes, he's gone to Blackwell's Isle, and they'll keep him there 

a while, 
And he'll find it very, very hard to leave ; 
In the middle of the river where the current runs so swift, 
Yes, he'll find it very, very hard to leave. 

(Pauses — then aside.) How like a fawning publican she looks ! 
I hate her, for she is a Christian ; but more for that in low sim- 
plicity she lends out money gratis, and thus brings down the 
rate of usance here with us. Still, she is rich, and it my plans 
have been wrought out, she and that which I do value more, 
her gold, shall yet be mine. 

Por. {turning). Ha ! Shylock, what is your business ? 
Shy. The lowly Jew would lain express in music sweet the 
mission which has driven him to call. 
Por. Be brief! 

Shy. {spreads handkerchief carefully on floor, kneels upon 
it, tunes banjo, and sings. Air. " Baby Farming. "—JPina- 
fore). ' 

Fair Portia, thou dost see 
A Jew of low condition, 
Who hopeless loveth thee 

And Bassy, the patrician. 
To serve you both I try, 

As all the world doth know, too, \ 
Though some may say, •"• He's sly," r 
'Tis false, I do assure you ! 

Por. Peace, old man ! 

Shy. See, how on bended knee 

This bearded monster bows low, 
And envies, truthfully, 

The ground on which you walk so. 
True, he is but a Jew, 

And you a gentle fairy, 
Yet he loves only you, 

Though of his love you're chary. 

Por. Cease, you musty old fustilarian ! You are more 
annoying than a book-peddler. 

Shy. O Cupid, wicked sprite, 

However could you do it ? 
You've wounded me, poor wight, 
Forever must I rue it ! 



THE S//A KESPEA R E IV A TER-CURE. 1 9 

Your arrows pierce my heart, 

Which is all rent and torn ; 
Tis your sharp, rankling dart 

That makes me so forlorn ! 

POR. If you knew what 'twere good to do, you would pack 
up your jews-harp and begone ! 

Shy. Consider well, O Portia, that which I have herein 
stated. 

POR. But why should I, of royal birth, stoop to observe a 
paltry vender of ancient rags ? — To be sure, thou hast done 
much for my Bassanio ; Icesis securitatem — giving security for 
all our debts in shape of leases. 

Shy. (aside). She.; doth not know that the laws just intro- 
duced absolve them both from all their obligations. (To 
Portia.) What I have sacrificed I would again do o'er to serve 
thee in the least. 

Por. (aside). True, Heaven made him, and therefore let 
him pass for a man ! 

Shy. I had hoped thou mightest wish to ride with me upon 
the Elevated Road to-day ; 'tis my only vehicle. 

POR. O generous Jew ! But spare thy ducats — thy daughter 
may have need of them. 

ENTER Hamlet, c, bearing a huge, black-bordered letter. 
Hamlet (sings. Air, " Clang of the Wooden Shoon "). 

I am the bearer of dreadful news ; 

Though very unpleasant, I couldn't refuse 
To carry the terrible, terrible news, 

The terrible news to Portia. 

POR. What hast thou, Noah's son ? 

Ham. Tis a letter writ in blood, that tells of murder, a foul 
and most unnatural murder ! 

POR. and Sky. Murder? 

Ham. (nodding). Horrible — most horrible ! (Hands letter 
to Portia, and EXIT, c.) 

POR. (reads, and clasps her hands in agony). The light of 
my eye is dead, and I, in fine, am left alone ! Listen, Shylock ! 
A letter from Macbeth, wherein he says (reads) : " I visited 
Bassanio to-day to give him strength wherewith to bear his 
woes, and lo ! I saw a knife all wet with blood lying beside him, 
and beheld a rent some envious Casca made in his poor side. 
And as I raised him from the ground he whispered, 4 I owe my 
all to Shylock ; give him my love, for he hath served me well.' 
— Macbeth." (Speaks.) This news unmans me — now is 
Portia husbandless ! But tell me, Shylock, is a widow respon- 
sible for her husband's debts ? 



20 THE SHAKESPEARE WA TER-CURE. 

Shy. No — speak not of it ! Sorrow not, Portia, o'er thy 
wretched lot ; my strong right hand shall aid thee in distress ! 
Say that thou wilt be mine ! Tis almost spring ! Methinks 
the grass will soon be green o'er Bassy's grave — ne'er mind a 
widow's weeds ! Accipe me ! 

POR. I prithee wait awhile ; I must have time to think. 
You know the conditions of my father's will. Behold, there 
stand the caskets, noble Jew ! If you choose that wherein my 
picture is contained, straight shall our nuptial rites be solem- 
nized. But, if you fail, without more words, my lord, you must 
be gone from hence immediately. [Hands him three caskets.) 

[SHYLOCK chooses one. 

Shy. {takes out picture). Fair Portia's counterfeit ! 

POR. 'Tis just my luck ! I fared no : better with Bassanio ! 
But, since 'tis so, I will be gracious ! You see me, Mr. Shy- 
lock, where I stand, such as I am ; though for myself alone, I 
would not be ambitious in my wish, to wish myself much better ; 
yet, for you, I would be trebled twenty times myself; a thou- 
sand times more fair, ten thousand times more rich. 

Shy. Well, come with me upon the Elevated Road at all 
events. But, no, I must fly ! {Takes his banjo and sings. 
Air, " Farewell ! my Own." — Pinafore.) 

Farewell ! my own, 

Light of my heart, farewell ! 
I go to Chatham Street, 

My goods to sell. 
There, 'mid my hats, 

My coats and my banjos — free 
I'll sing so faithfully 

Of myself and thee. 

(Aside.) Aha ! craftiness doth win the day ! Methinks I hear 
the clink ot precious coin, and see its yellow light flashing the 
sun's warm rays in open challenge back ! (EXIT, c.) 

POR. (sinking into chair). What an ordeal was that ! I 
feel quite faint ! But hark ! some one is coming. I must con- 
ceal my agitation. 

ENTER Ophelia, l. 

Ophelia. How de do, Portia ? 

POR. Poorly. You knew my husband, Bassanio ? 

Oph. (sings). 

How should I your true love know 

From another one ? 
By his cockle hat and staff, 

And his sandal shoon ? 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 21 

Por. Well, you never will have a chance to know him now, 
for he's dead ! ( Weeps.) 
Oph. {sings). 

He is dead and gone, lady, 

He is dead and gone ; 
At his head a grass-green turf, 

At his heels a stone. 

Por. Oh, don't, Ophelia ! you ma-ake me fee-eel too bad. 
(Weeps.) 
Oph. {sings). 

White his shroud as the mountain snow, 

Loaded with sweet flowers ; 
Which bewept to the grave did not go, 

With true love showers. 

POR. Nay, but, Ophelia ! 

Oph. Don't you like my songs ? 1 always sing them when 
there's a murder, and they always seem to appeal to people. 

POR. But Bassanio wasn't murdered. Dies ira, he died a 
natural death ! 

Oph. Oh, don't be too sure of that. Appearances are so 
unreliable ! I have been deceived myself twenty or thirty times ! 

POR. Twenty or thirty times ! You must have had some 
dreadful experiences. 

Oph. Oh, no ; I didn't mind it after a while. Sometimes the 
queen, Hamlet's mother you know, would exclaim: " O, what 
a rash and bloody deed is this ! " But then Ham would say : 
" I do not well understand that ; will you play upon this pipe ? " 

Por. Did it ever occcur to you, Ophelia, that you were — 
er — slightly irrational ? 

Oph. Oh, yes, I have thought of that many times ; or at least 
other people have suggested the idea to me. For instance, my 
brother Laertes once said, "O, heat dried up thy brains ;" and 
you know it was very hot in Denmark that summer. 

POR. What summer ? 

Oph. Oh, the summer that Ham went oft on a yachting trip 
and all the rest of the family were murdered. 

Por. O-o-h ! 

Oph. {sings). 

And will they not come again ? 
And will they not come again ? 

No, no, they are dead ; 

Go to thy death-bed ; 
They never will come again. 



2 2 THE SHA KESPEA RE WA TEE- C URE. 

Por. Death-bed, indeed ! I never felt better in my life ! 
But I must be going ! 

Oph. There's rosemary, that's for remembrance ; they say 
you'll make a good end. Fare you well, my dove ! 

{EXIT Portia. 
She really seems to feel quite badly ; I'm glad I was able to 
cheer her up a little. I wonder how I'd feel if Ham died ? 
Though I am fond of him at times, in some ways it would be 
quite a relief. For instance, I should be able to get more sleep 
instead of being waked up every night by such mutterings as 
this : " 'Tis not alone my inky cloak, good mother, but I have 
that within which passeth show. How weary, stale, flat and un- 
profitable seem to me all the uses of this world ! " Or, " Ophelia, 
O he ! thou art an unweeded garden that grows to seed. Frailty, 
thy name is woman ! " If I ever ask him to speak a little lower 
he looks at me reproachfully and says in cutting tones : " A 
little more than kin and less than kind." Then his mourning 
is very expensive, for he must always have his inky cloak to 
muffle himself in when he goes out spook-hunting, and when- 
ever I want a little money to buy a few flowers, he has always 
just used his last ducat to buy himself a new crape doublet or a 
new weed for his hat. But here comes the man now. 

Enter Hamlet, c. 

Hamlet. Soft ! how now — the fair Ophelia ! 

Oph. Good my lord, how does your honor ? 

Ham. I humbly thank you, well. I was looking for you at 
the horse-trough. Where's your father ? 

Oph. Where's my father ? Why, you murdered him, my 
lord, some time since ! 

Ham. Go to ! The incident had slipped my mind. 

Oph. Why, don't you remember, Ham dear ? You killed 
papa just after you murdered grandmamma, and just before you 
stabbed Laertes. 

Ham. Quite true; and the jury returned a verdict of "jus- 
tifiable homicide." (Starts.) Ophelia, sweet, canst find that 
pin ? There's one upon my neck that's sticking in ? 

[Ophelia removes large bomiet-pin from flannel 
bandage around his throat. 
For this relief, much thanks. 

Oph. This is indeed a pin to scratch a man to death ! 

[Hamlet coughs. 
That cough again ! I do hope this water-cure is going to do 
you some good, Ham dear. You certainly were in an awful 
state when we left Elsinore. 

\Clock strikes three times outside. 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 



2 3 



Ham. Tis our grandfather's clock, just home from — . — (name 
some local jeweller). 

Oph. Then, 'tis time for him to take his medicine. {Gets 
pill-box and spoon from table.) Two pills, or not two pills, 
that is the question — but I don't see that it makes any great dif- 
ference ! (Administers dose.) 

Ham. (knocking away spoon). Throw physic to the dogs ! 
I'll none of it. 

Oph. Oh, what a rash and hasty deed is this ! 

Ham. I'll take it not. This physic but prolongs my sickly 
days. Ophelia, when I'm dead and gone, taken by that fell ser- 
geant Death, so strict in his arrest, do thou report me and my 
cause aright to the unsatisfied. And now, by way of practice, 
recite lor me my latest poem, the which I gave you yester e'en ; 
and speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it to you, 
trippingly upon the tongue. 

Oph. {recites rapidly). List, list, O list, to ears of flesh and 
blood. 

Ham. (interritpting). Nay, nay, nor be not too hasty, neither, 
but let your own discretion be your tutor. Suit the action to 
the word, and the word to the action. 

Oph. (recites slowly). 

List, list, O list, to ears of flesh and blood ! 

The time is out of joint ; and since the flood 

Of my prophetic soul 

Has reached the goal — 

O cursed spite, 

That ever I was born to set it right, 

Or such ambiguous giving out to note 

Could force his spirit up or down his throat. 

day and night, but this is wondrous strange, 
To be, or not to be, or not to change ; 

And still your fingers on your lips, I pray, 

And by opposing end them ? — to die — to sleep — to stay ? 

1 have not art to reckon all my groans, 

And cleave the genera! ear with horrid moans ; 
O if philosophy could find it out, 
The ego and the / would fight a bout — 
Words, words, words ! 



Ham. Excellent well, excellent well ! But now cudgel thy 
brains no more about it. 

Oph. Well, then, to change the subject, as I was about to 
remark, Ham dear, one never speaks of 



24 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

ENTER Ghost, r. 

Ham. {starting— addressing Ghost). 

Angels and ministers of grace defend us ! 
Be thou a spirit of health, or goblin damned? 
Bring with thee airs from heaven or blasts from hell ? 
Thou comest in such a questionable shape 

That I will speak to thee ; I'll call thee 

[EXIT Ghost, r. 

Ha ! 'tis gone ! 

Oph. Alas ! my lord, how is't with you that you do bend 
your eye on vacancy ? Whereon do you look ? 

Ham. Didst see nothing pass ? 

Oph. Nothing, good my lord. This is the very coinage of 
your brain ! 

Ham. Nay, by my prophetic soul, it was my father-in-law ! 

Oph. These are but wild and whirling words, my lord. 

RE-ENTER Ghost, r. 

Ham. He comes again ! On him — on him ! Look you, how 
pale he glares ! His form and cause conjoined, preaching to 
stones, would make them capable. Royal Chamberlain, speak, 
speak ! Oh, speak and answer me ! Let me not burst in ignor- 
ance, but tell why thy canonized bones, hearsed in death, have 
burst their cerements ! Why, the sepulchre, wherein we saw 
thee quietly in-urn'd, hath oped his ponderous and marble jaws 
to cast thee up again ! 

Oph. What have I done, that thou dost wag thy tongue in 
noise so rude against me ? 

Ham. Why, look you there ! look how it steals away ! Your 
father in his habit as he lived ! Look, where he goes, even now, 
out at the portal ! [EXIT Ghost, r. 

Oph. Alas, he's mad ! Oh, what a noble mind is here o'er- 
thrown ! 

Ham. {looking after Ghost). Rest, rest, perturbed spirit — 
rest, rest, rest. 

Oph. But I will win him back to reason with a pleasant 
theme. 



Why are you doleful, doleful, Hamlet ? 

Why, why are you always so blue ? 
Could you not cheer up a little, Hamlet ? 

O Ham, if you can smile, pray do. 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 25 

Why have you taken to tombstones, Hamlet ? 

Why don't you try golf instead ? 
You know it was moping out there in the grave-yard 
You caught that bad cold in your head. 

[Hamlet sneezes. 
I know you are tired of groaning, Hamlet, 

And weary of tear and of sigh ; 
So do make an effort, I beg you, Hamlet, 
To shake off your gloom and be spry. 
Ham. {aside). I will speak daggers to her, but use none. 
Oph. Hamlet, for shame ; now, don't lose your temper. 
Remember, I am the only relative you haven't murdered. 
Ham. By my halidome, 'tis true ! 

Oph. {taking skull from table). Here, take your skull. I 
will not have Alas-poor- Yorick left on the parlor table. 
{Thrusts skull at Hamlet, who takes it and paces the floor.) 
There he goes again, in one of his cheerful little soliloquies, 
discussing, I dare say, as usual, " whether 'tis nobier in the 
mind to suffer," — but I think he generally decides that it is not. 
{After a pause.) My lord, did you enjoy your accustomed walk 
in Greenwood ? 
Ham. Ay ! 

The passing knell was rung quite well, 

But then forsooth 'twas very dull ; 
For in my walks, nor up nor down, 
Could I not find a single skull. 
Ah ! these times are out of joint. 

Oph. Then what detained you, good my lord, so long 
within the cheerful precincts of the silent tomb ? 

Ham. {spitefully). I was taking the measure of an unmade 
grave. 

Oph. Marry, for thyself I trow ? 
Ham. Nay, sweet Ophelia, 'twas for thee I dug ! 
Oph. O cursed spite ! But thou didst love me once ! 
Ham. Lay not that flattering unction to thy soul ! 
Oph. Then was I the more deceived ! 

Ham. 1 loved thee not ! [Ophelia screams. 

{With rage.) Get thee to a tannery ! Go! [Ophelia faints. 
She's off again ! {Pause.) O frailty, thy name is woman ! I 
was too harsh with this slight creature. Alas ! What have I 
done ? I did be cruel only to be kind ; thus bad begins, and 
worse remains behind ! {Feels Ophelia's pulse.) I fear me 
she has departed to that undiscovered country, from whose 
bourn no traveller returns. Alas, it is too true ! She's dead 
for a ducat, dead, and I have killed her ! {Collapses. Gradu- 
ally revives and sings. Air, " Douglas, Tender and True.") 



26 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

Could ye come back to me 'Phelia, 'Phelia, 

In the old likeness that I knew, 
I would be so gentle, so loving, 'Phelia ; 

'Phelia, 'Phelia, tender and true ! 

I'll go no more moping 'mid tombstones, 'Phelia, 
Nor stay out at night in the fall of the dew ; 

But I'll do just whatever you bid me, 'Phelia ; 
'Phelia, 'Phelia, tender and true ! 

I'll get you a bonnet from Paris, 'Phelia, 

The latest of shapes, and of styles the most new, 

And you shall dress better than Portia, 'Phelia ; 
Phelia, 'Phelia, tender and true ! 

[Hamlet applies restoratives. Ophelia shows 
signs of life. 
She moves, she starts, she seems to feel a thrill of life from 
head to heel ! 

Oph. [very faintly). What was that odor of Araby ? 

Ham. My life, it was benzine. 

Oph. I thought as much ; it smells to heaven ! That was 
the most unkindest cut of all. 

Ham. I admit the soft impeachment — 'twas hardly kind. 

Oph. Give me to drink, good Hamlet. 

Ham. Too much of water hast thou, fair Ophelia ; smile 
thou on this, and take new life. {Hands her small flask.) 

Oph. {sipping). Thanks ; once more I breathe. Methought 
I heard, a moment since, the murmur of approaching spring — 
costumes. Did mine ears deceive me ? 

Ham. (aside). The spring costume ! I was in hopes it 
might have slipped her memory. 

Oph. Ham, dear, did mine ears deceive me ? 

Ham. No, no ! {Sings. Air, " Baby Mine.") 

Now I'll go and buy the gown, 'Phelia mine, 'Phelia mine, 
Now I'll go and buy the gown, 'Phelia mine, 'Phelia mine, 
And you yourself shall see how stylish it will be, 
And you'll like it when you get it, 'Phelia mine, 'Phelia mine, 
And you'll like it when you get it, 'Phelia mine ! 

Oph. And the bonnet, Ham, you'll not forget the bonnet ? 
Ham. The bonnet ! Still harping on the bonnet ? {Sings.) 

No, I'll not forget the bonnet, 'Phelia mine, 'Phelia mine, 
No, I'll not forget the bonnet, 'Phelia mine, 'Phelia mine. 
Thou may'st depend on me, I will bring it here to thee, 
And I'll have it here anon, 'Phelia mine, 'Phelia mine, 
And I'll have it here anon, 'Phelia mine ! 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 27 

Oph. But, Hammy, whither goest thou now ? 

Ham. To Macy's, ho ! to Macy's ! [EXIT Hamlet, c. 

Oph. Ay, to be sure, for the bonnet. — I don't know how it is, 
but I really am getting quite nervous with all Ham's dreadful 
talk, and the awful way he has of seeing ghosts over one's 
shoulder. {Starts.) What's that ? Oh ! it's my Lady Macbeth. 
{Rises.) Good-evening to your ladyship ! 

ENTER Lady Macbeth, r. 

Lady Macbeth. Good-afternoon, Ophelia. I didn't know 
you were here. 

Oph. Yes, I have been comforting poor Portia. I suppose 
you know some one has murdered her husband. 

Lady M. These deeds must not be thought after these ways ; 
so it will make us mad. You do unbend your noble strength 
to think so brainsickly of things. 

Oph. I never had any noble strength. Why, even before I was 
married I had to take beef, iron and wine, a spoonful three times 
a day, in a little water, after meals. 

Lady M. {roused from a reverie into which she had fallen 
while Ophelia spoke). I heard the owl scream and the crickets 
cry. Did not you speak ? 

Oph. You do remind me so much of Ham ! 

Lady M. Be not lost so poorly in your thoughts ! Pray 
wherefore ? 

Oph. Because you don't pay any attention to what I say. 
By the way, speaking of Ham, do you know whether Bassanio 
was poisoned or stabbed ? 

Lady M. Both. He was first stabbed, then poisoned. Is 
that his ghost standing by the tea-table ? {Rises.) Avaunt ! 
Return to the grave from whence thou earnest ! Thy bones are 
marrowless, thy blood is cold ; thou hast no speculation in those 
eyes which thou dost glare with ! 

Oph. {aside). This reminds me so much of that summer in 
Denmark. 

Lady M. Thou canst not say I did it ; never shake thy gory 
locks at me. {Clutches Ophelia's arm.) Pry thee, see there ! 
behold ! look ! lo ! how say you ? Blood has been shed erenow, 
i' the olden time ; ay, and since too, murders have been per- 
formed too terrible for the ear ! 

Oph. I do believe you did it ! 

Lady M. What ? 

OPH. Bassanio, you know. 

Lady M. Is there any tea here ? That's what I came for. 

ENTER Juliet, r 
Juliet. Hallo, Ophelia. Isn't this Lady Macbeth ? I 



2 8 THE SHA KESPEA RE WATER-C URE. 

hardly feel that we need an introduction. (To Lady Macfeth.) 
I am so glad to meet you because I am nnxious to know where 
you bought the silk for that beautiful gown you wore the other 
night. 

Lady M. You noticed it then ? I told Macbeth I was sure 
it would attract attention ! The fact is, it's the ancestral dress 
of the Queen of Scotland, which I iorgot to leave behind for Mrs. 
Malcolm. 

Oph. It looks to me so like one Shylock tried to sell me the 
other day, only Ham wouldn't let me buy it because it didn't 
smell musty enough, and the black was too rusty. 

Lady M. What do you mean ! 

Jul. Here's a cup of tea for you, Lady Mac. 

Lady M. Sweet remembrancer ! Now good digestion wait 
on appetite, and health on both ! 

ENTER Portia, l. 

Portia. I've come back to get a cup of tea which I forgot 
before. Armor vincit, how goes the world ? 

ENTER Romeo and Macbeth, c. 

Romeo. Put money in thy purse. He who borrows my 
purse takes trash — 'tis something, nothing — 'twas mine, 'tis his, 
and has been slave to thousands. 

Macbeth. Romeo, the hate I bear thee can afford no better 
term than this — thou art a villain ! 

ROM. And what is he that says I play the villain ? Villain 
am I none. I see thou knowest me not. 

Mac. You shag-eared villain, let me tell you you yourself are 
much condemned to have an itching palm. 

ROM. I an itching palm ? You wrong me every way ; you 
wrong me, Mac. 

Mac. You know that you are a Montague that speaks this, 
or, by the gods, this speech were else your last. 

Rom. I'd rather be a dog and bay the moon than such a 
Scotch-terrier. 

Mac. Fellow, bait not me ; I'll not endure it. You forget 
yourself to hedge me in ; I am a soldier, 1, older in practice, 
abler than yourself to make conditions'. 

Rom. Go to — you are not, Mac. 

Mac. Away, slight man ! Urge me no more, I shall forget 
myself ; have mind upon your health, tempt me no further. 

POR. Oh, what a brute ! 

Oph. The wretch ! 

Jul. What's the matter with him ? 

Lady M. The fit is on him again. 

Rom. Have you not love enough to bear with me ? 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 29 

Mac. Do not presume too much upon my love ; I may do 
that I shall be sorry for. 

Rom. You have done that you should be sorry for. There is 
no terror, Cashless, in your threats ; for I am armed so strong 
in honesty, that they pass by me as the idle wind, which I re- 
spect not. 

Mac. I did send to you for certain sums of gold, for I 
can raise no money by vile means — by heaven, I'd rather coin 
my heart ! I did send to you for gold to pay lor my lodgings, 
which you denied me. Was that done like a Montague ? Should 
I have answered Romeo Montague thus ? When C. Macbeth 
grows so covetous, to lock such rascal counters from his friends, 
be ready, gods, with all your thunderbolts — dash him to pieces ! 
{Threatens Romeo with sword.) 

Oph. The croaking raven doth bellow for revenge. 

Jul. {to Romeo). I would I had thy inches ; this vile Scot 
should know what it is to brave a Montague. What shall we 
do with him ? — Bribe him ! 

Oph. Lynch him ! 

Por. Arrest him ! 

Lady M. Fire him out ! 

Rom. Revenge thyself alone on Romeo. There is thy dagger, 
here my fifth rib ; within a heart dearer than Plutus' mine, richer 
than gold. (Eh, Juliet ?) If thou beest a Scotchman, take it 
forth. I, that denied thee gold, will give my heart ; strike as 
thou didst at Duncan ; for I know when thou didst hate him 
worst, thou lovedst him better than ever thou lovedst me. 

All. Police ! 

Jul. Romeo, Romeo, why is this thus ? 

Lady M. (to Macbeth). Why, what a fool art thou to brag 
and stamp and swear ! Thou slave, thou wretch, thou coward, 
to frighten women so ! Thou wear a lion's hide ! Doff it, for 
shame, and hang a calfs skin on those recreant limbs. Infirm 
of purpose — give vie the sword ! 

Jul. Romeo Montague, you mortify me. Where is your 
old-time courage ? Remember how skilfully you finished off 
my cousin Tybalt and the County Paris, and yet this vicious 
Scot still walks the earth ! Bah ! I'll disown you. 

ROM. My untamed Capulet ! 

Lady M. (to Macbeth). Make your apologies to these ladies 
and gentlemen for this unaccountable conduct. 

Mac. {sings. Air, " Three Policemen "). 

You'd scarce expect a Scot like me, 
Luddy, fuddy, whack-fa-luddy io ! 

To be polite as I should be, 

My manners may be rather free, 
Luddy, fuddy, whack-fa-luddy io ! 



30 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

When on my native heath I stand, 
Luddy, fuddy, whack-fa-luddy io ! 

My trusty claymore in my hand, 

The vassals bow at my command, 
Luddy, fuddy, whack-fa-luddy io ! 

If now and then my rage I show, 
Luddy, fuddy, whack-fa-luddy io ! 

And thus do frighten Romeo, 

You'll all excuse me then, I know, 
Luddy, fuddy, whack-fa-luddy io ! 

{To ROMEO.) Be stingy when thou wilt — it shall have scope. 

Rom. [advancing). Macbeth, this noble passion, child of in- 
tegrity, hath from my soul wiped the black scruples, reconciled 
my thoughts to thy good truth and honor. Shake ! {They 
shake hands and strike attitude.) 

Oph. I'm growing very hungry ; isn't it almost lunch-time ? 
What hour now ? 

ENTER Shylock and Hamlet, c, in com/ersation. Ham- 
let carries Ophelia's new bonnet by the string. 

Shylock. Three thousand ducats ! 'Tis a mighty sum, and, 
as I think, too much. 

Hamlet. Nay, nay, thou ancient file, the price is low. The 
whole suit goes for that. 

Shy. Yea, but the sword-cut and the spots of blood should, 
as I take it, carry discount. 

Ham. Well, more of this anon. {Sings to Ophelia. Air, 
** Araby's Daughter.") 

Behold what is here for Polonius' daughter ! 

A bonnet it is from the store of Ma-cy. 
No finer e'er decked out a milliner's counter 

Than this one I've purchased, Ophelia, for thee. 

So take it and wear it, the color's becoming, 
You always looked well in the lightest of blue ; 

And truly I think it will make a sensation 
When next you appear on the Fifth Av-enue. 

Oph. O, Ham dear, what a pretty bonnet ! {Puts it on.) 
It's one of Macy's best, and just my favorite color, too ! But do 
not sell it to this Jew ! 

Ham. Ophelia, you mistake ; 'twas not of that we spoke ; 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 31 

'twas of Polonius' suit, the which I am inclined to sell, and even 
yet, methinks, the Jew may buy. 

[During the above Portia and Shylock have been 
conversing apart. Juliet notices this, and calls 
Romeo's attention to it; both smile thereat. POR- 
TIA becomes conscious, and, after a moment's hesita- 
tion, rushes off L. Shylock, bewildered, pauses, 
and then follows her. 

Ham. {knowingly). Well, ladies, have you heard the news ? 

All. The news ! What news ? 

Ham. Why, marry, the engagement. 

ROM. What, an engagement to marry ? 

Ham. Ay, to be sure. 

Jul. But who are the parties ? 

Ham. Season your admiration for a while. Can you not think ? 

Oph. Not I. 

Jul. Nor I. 

Lady M. Nor I. 

Ham. Dame Rumor hath it that our friend, the Jew, has 
sought the hand of royal Portia. 

Jul. Of Portia ! 

Lady M. And did she smile upon his suit ? 

Ham. The caskets favored, and he won her hand. 

Oph. And heart. 

Jul. And fortune. 

Mac. Yes, mark you that, her fortune ! 

Lady M. The pawnbroker is sly ■ 

ROM. As any fox. But courtesy demands that we give them 
a dinner — [Juliet nudges him. 

— at Shylock 's expense. 

Mac. We'll do it. 

All (sing. Air, •* Wait for the Wagon "). 

Yes, we'll give them a swell dinner, 

And let Shylock toot the bill ; 
W 7 e'll have fish and game in season, 

And of them we'll eat our fill. 

Chorus. 

Then wait for the dinner, wait for the dinner ; 
Then wait for the dinner, and we'll all be there. 



A week from Monday morning, 

With Portia by his side, 
He'll hie unto the synagogue, 
And there make her his bride. 



3 2 THE SHA KESPEA RE WA TER- C URE. 

Chorus. 
Then wait for the wedding, wait for the wedding, 
Then wait for the wedding, and we'll all be there. 

Oh ! we'll set them up in housekeeping, 

In flats a la Francais; 
Expense is little matter, 

For Portia is good pay. i 

Chorus. 

Yes, she has the ducats, she has the ducats, 
Yes, she has the ducats, and always is good pay. 

CURTAIN. 



ACT III. 

SCENE. — The dining-hall. Doors R., L., and C. Table, C, 
with chairs arranged Jor dinner. Othello discovered, 
setting table. 

Othello (sings. Air, •« Nancy Till "). 

In me you see Othello, 

Oft called «« de jealous Moor " — ; 
I have crossed de briny ocean 

To dis famous Water-Cure. 
My fortune went agin me, 

And I lost my money all, 
So now I pass de viands 

In dis gorgeous dining-hall. 

CHORUS. Othello, de gay and festive nig, 

Who has lost his rank and title, 
And yet doesn't care a fig. 

Othello, de military Moor, 
A-waiting on de table 

At de Shakespeare Water-Cure. 

Desdemona's in de kitchen, 

Whar de dishes she do clean, 
And de daughter of Brabantio 

Do take it rader mean. 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE, 33 

But she's an equal partner 

In de matrimonial firm, 
So I lets her share de profits 

By a- working out her term. 

Chorus. Othello, de gay and festive nig, etc. 

{Speaks.) Dis climate am funny ; it am geographical. Yester- 
day 'twas hot as Ecuador ; to-day it's positively Chili ! 1 ar- 
rived here last week trom Cyprus, by balloon, wid Desdemony 
packed away in de bottom ob my valise to keep her from flirt- 
ing wid de white trash on de way. Our Mediterranean trip's 
at an end ; I came here lor Desdy's sake. De fact am, dat ever 
since I tole her dat long story in de back kitchen ob her fader's 
store in Venus (it took free nights a week for free years and a 
half to tell), about de swords, de cannons, de fights, de wounds, 
and all de rest ob it, her ear became entirely too greedy fo* dat 
kind ob discourse, and, in proportion as it was administered, 
so de ear increased in size until it became elephantine. 
Hence our sojourn here. So perlect is dis "ere Cure, one 
week has reduced it to a tiny shell. Shakespeare — what a 
cure ! 

Tis true dat we hab fallen from our high estate. When we 
go out, which we don't do otten, 'cause Desdy has an aversion 
to sheet and pillow-case parties, 'tis by de basement do'. In 
short, we am now decidedly domestic — servants in dis establish- 
ment. 

But to business ob state. Dis feast dat I must spread am de 
wedding-feast ob de portly Portia and de shy Shylock. 'Tis 
given by deir friends, and I overheard de wisest ob dem say 
dat dey would send de bill to Shylock and make him loot it. 
Dis am de place fo' fowl ; dis am de place fo' truffles, light as 
air ; here fo' de codfish ; here fo' de olives. Aha ! what's dis ? 
A little napkin ? Heavens, it cannot be my handkerchief; un- 
pleasant recollections do shoot about me brain. No, Desdy 
has it in de kitchen. {Anxiously.) Desdy ? I wonder what 
she's doing ! How can I find out ? {Looks around.) Ah ! 
here's something dat looks like a gas-meter ; it must be de tele- 
phone. It is. It looks, too, as if it were connected wid de 
kitchen. {Listens at telephone, which is made of empty 
tomato-cans and cords.) Methinks I hear sweet sounds. 
{Calls through telephone.) Hello, Central! — yes — connect 
4-1 1 wid 44. What's dis I hear — music? Hi! {Dance music 
heard in distance. Othello dances breakdown in wild stale 
of excitement, still listening at telephone. Suddenly stops.) 
I had forgotten Desdy. {Calls through telephone.) Discon- 
nect ; connect wid de kitchen. {Listens again.) What do I 
heah ? Desdy's voice — anudder voice— a man's voice ! {With 

3 



34 



THE SHAKESPEARE IV A TER-CURE. 



rage.) Flirting ! Ha, ha ! I'll drown her angel voice ! 

{Catches up sofa-pillow and rushes from room, c.) 

ENTER couples, r. ; Lady Macbeth and Macbeth, Portia 

and Shy 'lock, Ophelia and Hamlet, Juliet and Romeo, 

arm-in-arm. They arrange themselves around the table. 

Hamlet. The festive board looks poor enough, I ween. 
Pray where 's the food ? Is this a wedding-dinner ? 

Romeo. Othello tarries. 

Lady Macbeth. He hath poor Desdemona by the throat. 
I heard her smothered cries for help. 

Macbeth. Unless he come right soon I shall 

Juliet. Sh — , Mr. Macbeth ! Send forth thy discordant 
voice and summon the slave. 

Mac. {roars). Othello ! Othello ! ! Othello ! ! ! 

Ophelia. Had he three ears he'd hear thee ! 

Lady M. Dinna stand there calling Othello ! Run, laddie, 
and fetch the dinner yersel'. Bring me a haggis. 

Mac. Ay. {Advances to front.) 

Oph. As for me, Hamlet, bring me a sweet-bread and some 
cambric tea. 

Ham. This waiting on ourselves may be all right, yet 'tis, I 
think, a custom more honored in the breach than in the observ- 
ance. {Advances.) 

Portia. For me, if I may choose, brain food I should pre- 
fer ; bring me some fish. 

Shylock. Ay. {Aside.) 'Tis well, for fish comes cheap. 
{Advances.) 

Jul. Romeo, an you love me, bring me curry of lamb with 
pepper sauce. 

Rom. My lamb, lamb you shall have, but pepper sauce none 
— you're peppery enough already. {Advances to front.) 

[Men form in line at front of stage. 

Mac. {drawing sword). Attention, company ! * Eyes front 
■ — mark time — right, left — right, left ! 

{Men mark time and sing. Air, " Fatinitza." 

Men. Right, left, in royal style, 

For the dinner here we go, 
Just because we fail to find 

That lazy darky, Othel-lo ! 
How our wives can treat us thus 

We are puzzled much to know ; 
But, like obedient hubs, we 
Mac. Right about face ! 

All. Just so ! 

[Men face right, and march off R. in single file. 

* A burlesque drill could be introduced here with good effect. 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 35 

Oph. But I don't understand — who's engaged to whom ? 

Lady M. The late Mr. Bassanio's relict has just been mar- 
ried to Mr. Shylock, of Chatham Street. 

OPH. Has the daughter married the old-clothes man ? Lord, 
we know what we are, but we know not what we may come to. 
I hope all will be well. I cannot choose but weep. 

Por. Absit invidia — envy apart. 

Lady M. You'd much better leave off gabbling that heathen 
Latin, which nobody understands, and take to studying your 
native tongue. 

POR. Native tongue ! What do you mean ? 

Lady M. Well, your husband's native tongue, then — it's all 
the same — Hebrew, to be sure ; then you might be of some as- 
sistance to him in his business. 

Jul. Happy thought, Lady Mac, — book it ; you may never 

have another But tell us all about him, Portia. Is he 

fond of moonlight, and is he going to settle here ? 

POR. In terms of choice I am too wise to be led by nice 
direction of a woman's eyes. His ducats and his well-won thrift 
have gained his cause. 

Jul. Does he eat pork ? 

Oph. Does he close the shop on Saturdays ? 

Lady M. When Shylock is best he is a little worse than a 
man ; and, when he is worst, he is little better than a beast ! 

Por. Don't mind me, ladies ; go right on, just as if I were 
not here. 

ENTER Men, r. ; they place dishes on fable. 

ROMEO. And now to dinner with what appetite we may ! 

ENTER Othello, c. 

Othello {seeing dishes on the table). Othello's occupa- 
tion's gone ! 

Hamlet. You're late, Othello ; why is this, and wherefore 
so ? Explain yourself at once before we further go ! 

Oth. Most potent, grave and reverend seignors, my very 
noble and approved good masters, dat I am late and tardy at 
dis feast it am most true. De table had I laid, and was about 
to blow de dinner-horn, when Desdemona, flirting wid a passing 
youth, my best attention did at once demand. But now she's 
smothered, and will silent be ; and I am here to do as you 
command. 

Macbeth. You're excused. {To guests.) Sit down, sit 
down, I soy ! Stand not upon the order ot your sitting, but sit 
at once. 

Lady M. You know your own degrees — sit down ! 

[All sit down. 



36 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER -CURE. 

Mac. [suddenly rises, and, clutching in the air, shrieks 
wildly). Is this a dagger which I see before me, the handle 
toward my hand ? Come, let me clutch thee ! 

[All rise in terror. 

Mac. {sees Ghost, and exclaims). Avaunt ! and quit my 
sight ! Let the earth hide thee ! Hence, horrible shadow ! 
[Falls in chair and covers his eyes. Gradually recovers.) 
• Lady M. Sit, worthy friends ; my lord is often thus, and 
hath been from his youth ; the fit is momentary — feed, and re- 
gard him not. [All sit down. 

Oph. When are we going to begin this meal ? I'm nearly 
starved. 

All (sing). So say we all of us, 

So say we all of us, 

So say we all. 
So say we all of us, 
So say we all of us, 
So say we all of us, 

So say we all. 

Lady M. The haggis, Mac ! My hunger's great ! 

[Macbeth uncovers dish, showing small fish. 
Isn't that a pretty dish to set before a king? (To Romeo.) 
Well, Mr. Montague, what have you ? 

ROM. Chicken. O lair is foul and foul is fair ! 

Jul. Who ordered that up ? 

Rom. I pass. (Hands to Othello.) 

POR. He cuts and passes. 

Oph. Come, Ham, do let me see what you have. Why, it's 
only beans, and you promised me a sweet-bread. 

Ham. 'Twas too expensive. Thrift, thrift, Ophelia ! The 
funeral bak-ed beans do coldly furnish forth the marriage tables. 
{Sings.) 

Beans, beans, Boston baked beans, 

Cheap, very wholesome, and fit food for queens. 

Beans, beans, Boston baked beans, 

There's nothing so wholesome as Boston baked beans. 

[Hands dish to OTHELLO, who passes it to Lady 
Macbeth. 
Oth. Help yourself. Take a great many — take two. 
POR. Now, my sweet husband, what have you to offer ? 

[Shylock uncovers dish. 
Spare rib ! 

Shylock. I had great hopes it was my pound of flesh ! 
Rom. Waiter, pour me out some liquor 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 37 

ALL. Liquor ! Bless my soul — heresy ! 
ROM. I was only going to say licorice-water. 
All (sing). 

Oh /— thello, fill the flowing bowl 

Until it doth run over ! 

Othello, fill the flowing bowl 

Until it doth run over ! 
For to-night we'll merry, merry, be, 
For to-night we'll merry, merry, be, 
It's not often we have such a spree — 

To-morrow we'll be sober. 

[Macbeth upsets glass. 

Lady M. Out, damned spot ! {Covering stains with nap- 
kins.) 

All {to Lady Macbeth). Ah ! we spot thee ! Shake not 
thy gory locks at we — thou canst not say we did it. 

Lady M. {scornfully). Nobody said you did do it. 

Oth. {refilling Macbeth's glass). Drink, pretty creature, 
drink ! 

Mac. {rising). Give me the cups, and let the kettles to the 
trumpet speak ; the trumpet to the cannoneer without ; the 
cannons to the heavens ; the heavens to earth ! Now the king 
drinks to Shylock ! 

ROM. Stay, Shylock alone is hardly fair. The toast should 
be : «« The happy pair ! " 

Mac. I accept the amendment. {Waves glass to SHY- 
LOCK.) 

Shy. Your royal Highnesses ! {All bow. Shylock draws 
forth a huge roll of manuscript, adjusts his spectacles and 
proceeds to read.) I did not come to this great feast prepared 
to make a speech, nor to reply to any toast that might be given. 
Nevertheless, the abundance of this festive board, the savory 
viands, the rich and delicate wines, the gorgeous display of 
gold and silver plate, combine to excite within me such feelings 
of grateful joy that I must fain seek to express myself in glow- 
ing words. {Aside.) I would not have writ this, or gone With- 
out my daily pittance of pork, had I surmised the truth. 
{Aloud.) As great Hor alius hath it — Eheu ! fuguees Postume, 
Postume 

Ham. {springing to his feet). Thou liest in thy throat, thou 
baldy-headed Jew ! It was Sue-to-ni-us that wrote the verse. 

Shy. Non est juribus disputandum— thou shouldst not dis- 
pute with a Jew, thou surly lunatic. 

[Hamlet bites his thumb at Shylock. 
What ! Dost bite thy thumb ? 

Ham. Ay ! 



38 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

Shy. {with ajiger). Dost bite thy thumb at me ? 

Ham. Ay ! 

Mac. (rising). Peace ! Noble Dane — let the vile Jew pro- 
ceed — he hath yet words to speak. [Hamlet sits down. 

Shy. {resumes). As great Horatius hath it — Eheu ! fuguees 
Postume, Postume, labuntur anni — which, being interpreted, 
means, Portia, my sweetest darling wife, and I rejoice to see 
such beauty and such wit around this board. 

[All nod approvingly. 
Where in the great world's history saw ere an one a gathering 
of so stupendous knowledge ? Where in the heterologous con- 
catenation of syncategorematic propodentical categories can a 
Macbeth with shaggy locks of purple sunset gore be found ? 
How in methodical, schismatic, diverticulating, chasmichromo- 
chrological circles can an aesthetic Romeo find existence possi- 
ble ? Where in the universe can we discover a hypothetically 
causative 

Mac. Peace ! peace ! 

SHY. Presumably hypochondriacal, absolutely ferruginous — 
{Great confusion. All rise and shout, " Peace ! " 

— inferentially deductive Dane of affirmatively chromous 

{Great confusion. Othello seizes paper and com- 
pels Shylock to sit down. 

Lady M. Thou melancholy Dane, 1 drink to thee ! Give us 
a song, I pray. 

Ham. My Lady Mac, I'm honored much. (Sings. Air 
from Pinafore.) 

When I was a lad, in days of yore, 

I used to live at Elsinore, 

A pretty little island in the Baltic sea, 

But much too small for a lad like me. 

They thought me there they would immure, 

But I skedaddled for the Water-Cure. 

My crafty uncle my father killed, 

Into his ear some pizen spilled ; 

He married my mother and he stole my crown, 

And so I thought I'd better leave the town. 

I didn't want to stay, you may be sure, 

And so I bought a ticket for the Water-Cure. 

I stabbed Polonius, Laertes too, 

Pizened my mother, and the king ran through ; 

The fact is that 1 raised a fuss — 

Yes sirree, kicked up a muss. 

And thus, having made my family fewer, 

I came for treatment to the Water-Cure. 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 39 

Twas there I loved Ophelia fair, 

But they evidently thought we wouldn't pair, 

For I was rich, a trifle lazy, 

And some folks thought that I was crazy. 

But it really wasn't so, 'twas only a lure, 

And now you see us at the Water-Cure. 

[General applause. 

Mac. {rising). Mrs. Montague, your health ! 

Rom. {to Juliet). Now, my dear, you must make a speech. 

Oph. Or tell a story. 

Jul. I cannot make a speech, and I was brought up, like 
George Washington, never to tell a story. 

Oph. George Washington ! Who was George Washington ? 

Jul. Why, don't you know ? Well, then, I'll tell you. One 
day George's father 

Oph. George who ? 

JUL. George Washington. He was a little boy then. One 
day his father 

Oph. Whose father? 

Jul. George Washington's — this great man I'm telling you 
about. One day George's lather gave him a little hatchet 
for a 

Oph. Gave whom ? 

Jul. George Washington. His 

Oph. Who gave him the little hatchet? 

Jul. His father. And his father 

Oph. Whose father ? 

Jul. George Washington's. 

Oph. Oh ! 

Jul. Yes, George Washington's. And his father told 
him 

Oph. Told whom ? 

Jul. Told George. 

Oph. Oh ! yes, George. 

Jul. And he was told 

Oph. George told him ? 

Jul. No, his father told George. 

Oph. Oh ! 

Jul. Yes, told him he must be careful with his hatchet 

Oph. Who must be careful ? 

Jul. George must. 

Oph. Oh ! 

Jul. Yes, must be careful with his hatchet 

Oph. What hatchet? 

Jul. {frantically). Why, George's. 

Oph. Oh ! 



40 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

POR. {interrupting). Oh ! let vie explain it to her. His 
father told him he must be careful with the hatchet, and not cut 
himself with it, or drop it in the cistern, or leave it out all night 
in the grass. So George went around cutting everything he 
could reach with his hatchet ; and at last he came to a splendid 

apple-tree, his lather's favorite, and cut it down 

Oph. Who cut it down ? 

George did. 

Oh! 

But his father came home, and saw it the first thing, 




Saw the hatchet ? 

No, saw the apple-tree ; and he said : " Who has cut 
down my favorite apple-tree ? " 

Oph. What apple-tree ? 

For. George's father's. And everybody said he didn't know 
anything about it 

Oph. Anything about what ? 

Por. The apple-tree. 

Oph. Oh ! 

Por. And George came up and heard them talking about 
it 

Oph. Heard whom talking about it ? 

Por. Heard his father and the men. 

Oph. What were they talking about ? 

POR. About this apple-tree ? 

Oph. What apple-tree ? 

Por. The favorite tree that George cut down. 

Oph. George who ? 

Por. {in despair). George Washington ! 

Lady M. {rising and pounding on the table in wrath). Give 
vie the daggers and I'll sharpen her wits. — George came up and 
heard them talking about it 

Oph. What did he cut it down for ? 

Lady M. Just to try his little hatchet. 

Oph. Whose little hatchet ? 

Lady M. Why, his own, the one his father gave him. 

Oph. Gave whom ? 

Lady M. Why, George Washington. 

Oph. Oh ! 

Lady M. So George came up, and said : ■* Father, I cannot 
tell a lie " 

Oph. W 7 ho couldn't tell a lie ? 

Lady M. Why, George Washington. He said : " Father, I 
cannot tell a lie ; it was" 

Oph. His father couldn't ? 

Lady M. No, George couldn't. 



THE SHA KESPEA RE W A TE R- C URE. 4 \ 

Oph. George ? Oh ! yes. 

Lady M. " It was I cut down your apple-tree. I did " 

Oph. His father did ? 

Lady M. No, no — it was George said this. 

OPH. Said he cut his father ? 

Lady M. No, no, no ! Said he cut down his apple-tree. 

Oph. George's apple-tree ? 

Lady M. No, his father's. 

Oph. Oh ! 

Lady M. He said : " Father, I cannot tell a lie ; I did it 
with my little hatchet." And his father said : " Noble boy ! I 
would rather lose a thousand trees than have you tell a lie." 

Oph. George did ? 

Lady M. {fiercely). No, his father said that. 

Oph. Said he'd rather have a thousand trees ? 

Lady M. No, no, no ! Said he'd rather lose a thousand trees ! 

Oph. Said he'd rather George would ? 

Lady M. No, said he'd rather he would than have him lie. 

Oph. Oh ! George would rather have his father lie ! 

[Lady Macbeth sinks exhausted into chair. 

JUL. Ophelia, I don't believe you remember one word we 
have told you. 

Oph. (in an injured tone). Yes, I do. You told me there 
was a boy who had a father named George, and he told him to 
cut down an apple-tree, and he said he'd rather tell a thousand 
lies than cut down one apple-tree. {Looks around trium- 
phantly.) [ The others groan. 

Lady M. (rising). Hold ! We've dined and drunk a health 
to Shylock and his bride ; we have heard about George Wash- 
ington ; [All groan again. 
and now I deem it fit we end this evening's entertainment with 
a dance. Othello, fetch thine ancient harp ! 

[Othello EXITS, and returns with banjo. Plays 
banjo in background. The others perform a square 
dance, and sing. Air, " Red, White, and Blue." 

Now, if with the great William Shakespeare 

Some liberties few we have ta'en, 
It has only been done for amusement — 

Our respect for the bard is the same. 
May the laurels ot Shakespeare ne'er wither, 

May his writings forever endure, 
Is the wish of the patients assembled 

To-night at his own Water-Cure ! 

Chorus. 
Give a cheer for great Shakes' Water-Cure ! 
Give a cheer for great Shakes' Water-Cure ! 



47 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

May the laurels of Shakespeare ne'er wither, 
Say the guests at his own Water-Cure ! 

But Romeo and Juliet and Othello, 

Macbeth and his lady, of Dunblane, 
Rich Portia and Shylock the cratty, 

Ophelia and Hamlet the Dane, 
Will no longer now weary their hearers, 

Who are thinking 'tis time they should go, 
So, with thanks for your kindly attention, 

We will make you our best parting bow ! 

Chorus. 
We will make you our best parting bow ! 
We will make you our best parting bow ! 
So, with thanks for your kindly attention. 
We will make you our best parting bow ! 

CURTAIN. 



NEW PLAYS. 



THE MOST SUCCESSFUL FARCE-COMEDY ON THE ROAD. 

SHE WOULD BE A WIDOW; or, BUTTERNUT'S BRIDE. (25 cents). An 
original farce-comedy with a plot, in three acts, by LrcviN C. Tees. For laugh- 
ing purposes only. 11 male, 6 female characters (can be played Dy 7 gentlemen 
and 4 ladies). Time of performance, 2>£ hours. 3 interior scenes. The leading 
male characters (an old plumber and a good-for-nothing doctor) offer uncom- 
mon opportunities for 2 comedians ; the remaining male p-ms will yield barrels 
of fun (undertaker, burglar, speculate:, member of the Legislature, etc.) The 
ladies' characters (vivacious society girl, sprightly young widow, comic old 
woman, rollicking soubrette, irate Irishwoman and frothy French dame) are all 
first-rate, but none of them difficult. Played under the name of "At Gay Coney 
Island " the piece has achieved a phenomenal success. It is a laugh-producer 
all around. 

%^~ In virtue of an arrangement iritk Messrs. Matthews & Bulger, wha 
are now p aying "At Gay Coney Is and" this piece cannot b>: produced pro- 
fessionally until the end 0/ the season 0/1897-98. Amateurs, ho ^ eve, may 
Produce it at any time, and without permission. 
A NOVEL i'V BY THE AUTHOR OF " I HE SWEET FAMILY." 

OVER THE GARDEN WALL. (15 cents.) A musical burlesque, by W. D. 
Felter. 6 male and 5 female principal characters (" artists "), with a chorus 
of 6 persons (3 ladies, 3 gentlemen) and 2 pages (little boys.) Requires no 
scenery — a paper-muslin " wall," decorated with a few evergreens, forming the 
entire stage setting. The programme consists of a number of specialties (includ- 
ing the author's well-known monologue, " Man Wanted," and the experiences 
of Cynthia Sniggins from Wiggletown) with various choruses and burlesque 
living pictures. Almost any number of young people can take part in th^ show, 
which is warranted to alleviate the most obstinate case of dyspepsia in 60 to 90 
minutes. 

"IVe produced it here (Eimira, N. Y.) for the Y. M. C. A. very success- 
fully. We turned people away the first night, and had a full house the 
second.' 1 '' 

A MINSTREL SHOW FOR DU KY DAMES. 

THE BELLES OF BLA-KVILLE. (15 cents.) By Nettie H. Pelham. A com- 
plete minstrel entertainment for female impersonators, that includes all the essen- 
tial features of a burnt cork programme — bright and new jokes, droll conundrums, 
popular songs, graceful dances and novel specialties, with a comical afterpiece 
for a whole company entitled Patchwork, which will afford a clever medium 
for " specialty " stars. The book is not a string of suggestions, but an entire 
entertainment for 30 ior fewer) young ladies, that will run about two hours. 
The manuscript has been used with pronounced success in various parts of the 
country. 

AN OLD FAVORITE REVIVED. 

THE SHAKESPEARE WATER CURE. (15 cents.) A burlesque comedy in 
three acts, by "The Larks." 5 male, 4 female characters. Time in represen- 
tation, about 2 hours. This thoroughly original piece will succeed beyond 
expectation, with fairly clever people in the cast. Each character is a "star," 
and each can make any number of " points." Staying at a water-cure establish- 
ment are: Hamlet, for his health, and his wife Ophelia; Macbeth and Lady 
Macbeth, for economical reasons, in need of the needful; Mrs. Bassanio, enjoy- 
ing a legal vacation ; the Montagues, having been disowned by both their 
houses, Mr. R. M. has taken to the stage and is herewith his traveling com- 
pany and his wife Juliet ; Shylock (from Chatham street) covets Portia's gold 
and bribes Lady Macbeth to incite her husband to the murder of Bassanio (tem- 
porarily on Biackwell's Island), so that the Jew can marry the fairheiress. All 
of which is accomplished, and a wedding dinner, under the superintendence of 
Othello (a darkey waiter), is given by the other patients to the happy bride and 
bridegroom. 

This is a new edition, partly re'vritten, of a favorite comedy that has been- 
out of print for some years. 

THE LA TEST NEGRO FARCE. 

DOCTOR SNOWBALL. (15 cents.) A negro farce in one act, by James Barnes. 
3 male characters. Scene, a plain room with a table and two chairs. Crisp and 
snappy and admits of specialties. The Doctor has a great head for humbug, 
Zeke a great head for gymnastics, and Pompey a great head for business. Will 

HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 
132 Nassau Street, - - - - - "_ NEW YORK. 



make the audience laugh themselves sore. Runs 20 minutes, if played straight, 
without specialties. 

A SEQUEL TO "THE DEACON:' 1 
THE DEACON'S TRIBULATIONS. (15 cents.) A comedy-drama in four acts, 
by Horacj C. Dale. 8 male, 4 female characters. Time of playing, 2 hours. 
This is a worthy successor to the ever-popular " Deacon," in which the old 
favorites reappear amid new surroundings, all of them a little older, some of 
them very much married. The "business" is just as forcible, the situations 
just as laughable and the act-endings just as uproarious as they are in the older 
play. Pete is up to all his old, and some new, tricks ; ])aisy is made happy for- 
ever, and The Deacon is finally and completely cured of his fondness for lem- 
onade with a stick in it. The author confidently recommends this piece to all 
societies that wish to repeat their old successes with " The Deacon." 
NEW PIECES FOR YOUNG FOLK. 
A FESTIVAL OF FLOWERS. (15 cents.) By Clarence F. Shuster. A musi- 
cal entertainment for children— 13 boys and 13 girls. The cast can be curtailed, 
if desired, by omitting some of the Flowers. Each character, representing a 
flower, has certain lines of recitative with appropriate "business." There are 
several pretty songs and simple dances (a minuet can be introduced), and the 
spectacle concludes with "The Flower Festival March" and a tableau repre- 
senting an enormous bouquet. Time of representation, about half an hour. Col- 
ored tissue papers make the costumes, and there are no troublesome "proper- 
ties." The piece is an ingenious rhythm of melody, movement and color, that 
will command the favor of young people of all ages. 
THE CAPTIVE PRINCESS. (15 cents.) A play suitable for school entertain- 
ments and adapted to children of 12 years or under, by A. M. Mitchell. 
9 characters, viz. : 1 girl, 1 boy and 7 others (either boys or girls), personifying 
various Studies. The Princess is captured by tyrants, who bear her away to 
their castle, where they keep her at hard and difficult tasks. Just as she readies 
the verge of despair Prince Promotion appears and rescues her from her thral- 
dom. The piece requires no scenery nor any properties that cannot be made of 
cardboard easily. Contains several simple songs asd some very smart dialogue, 
and is singularly free from all goody-goody flavor. Plays about half an hour. 
THE LOST NEW YEAR. (15 cents.) A play in verse, by E. M. Crane, for 
young actors of 5 to 12 years. 8 principal characters, and choruses of Seasons, 
Fairies, Butterflies and Flowers. The piece was written for and first produced 
by about 30 children, boys and girls, of various ag:s. The cast can be made 
greater or smaller by increasing or curtailing the choruses. Np trouble about 
costumes or properties. Time of representation, about 45 minutes. Master 
New Year, while speeding earthward, loses his way and is persuaded by the 
Fairies to tarry and join their ring. As the time approaches for Old Year to 
depart, with still no sign of his successor, the Seasons, the Flowers and the 
Butterflies are thrown into deep consternation, but whenthe alarm has reached 
its height, and New Year seems irretrievably lost, the Fairies bring him to take 
his place and receive his welcome just in lime for Old Year to disappear. The 
piece is as bright as a dollar throughout. 

THREE STANDARD SUCCESSES. 
ALL THE COMFORTS OF HOME. (25 cents.) A comedy in four acts, by 
William Gillette, as first produced at the Boston Museum, March 3, 1890. 
Authorized Copyright Edition, printed from the original prompt-copy. 10 
male, 7 female characters (by doubling, it is usually played by 6 gentlemen and 
4 ladies). Costumes of the day. One parlor scene throughout. Time of 
playing, 2 hours and 35 minutes. Acting rights reserved. 
A NIGHT OFF. (25 cents.) A comedy in four acts, from the German of Schoen- 
than, by Augustin Daly, as first produced at Daly's Theatre, N. Y., March 4, 
1885. Authorized Copyright Edition, printed from the original prompt-copy. 
6 male, 5 female characters. Modern costumes. 2 interior (parlor) scenes. 
Time of playing, 2^ hours. Acting rights reserved. 
SEVEN-TWENTY-E?GHT. (25 cents.) A comedy in four acts, from the Ger- 
man of Schoenthan, by Augustin Daly, as first produced at Daly's Theatre, 
N. Y., February 24, 1883. Authorized Copyright Edition, printed from the 
original prompt-copy. 7 male, 4 female characters. 2 interior (parlor) scenes. 
Time of playing, 2J4 hours. Acting rights reserved. 
"All the Comforts of Home," "A Night Off" and "Seven-Twenty-Eight" are 
subject to a fee for production by amateurs. (Particulars to be found in the 
printed books.) 7 he publisher is not concerned in the collection of fees. 

HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 
132 Nassau Street, = - - - - - NEW YORK. 



Dramas and Comedies 

(AT 25 CENTS EACH.) M. F. 

Breaking His Bonds. Strong Drama with comic underplay; 4 acts; 

2 hours ;•••-. .■ •. .• \ ; ^ 3 

The Jail Bird. Drama of city life, containing a vivid plot with well 

diversified interest ; 5 acts ; 2/4 hours 6 3 

Golden Gulch ("The Government Scout''). Drama that combines 

fun, sentiment and exciting situations ; 3 acts ; "2% hours 11 3 

The Man from Maine. Comedy-drama with a wide-awake hero from 

" down East " ; 5 acts ; 2% hours 9 3 

Shaun Aroon. Stirring Drama of Home Life in Ireland; 3 acts; 2 

hours 7 3 

"The Deacon." Comedy-drama that is simply immense; old-man 

leading character ; 5 acts ; 2J4 hours 6 6 

What's Next? Farce-comedy; 3 acts ; plays 150 minutes; raises 150 

laughs 7 4 

The New Partner. Comedy-drama ; strong plot moving episodes and 

roaring comedy ; 3 acts ; 2/4 hours 8 4 

Josiah's Courtship. Farcical Comedy-Drama; uproarious comedy 

features alternate with forceful, but not heavy, pathos ; 4 acts ; 

2 hours 7 4 

Etin Go Bragh. An up-to-date Irish Drama in 3 acts; plays 2 hours; 

both serious and comic in scope ; not sensational 5 4 

Plays for Female Characters Only 

(15 CENTS EACH.) M. F. 

Who's to Inherit ? 1 act ; brisk and comic 9 

Mrs. Willis' Will. 1 act ; neat, funny and bright 5 

My Aunt's Heiress. 1 act ; has a " Cinderella " plot 11 

The "Sweet" Family. Musical, wise and otherwise; will make a 

mummy laugh 8 

A Lesson in Elegance (" The Glass of Fashion"). Society comedy ; 

1 act 4 

Murder Will Out. 1 act ; humorous, with a moral 6 

A Slight Mistake. 1 act ; enforces a moral in a comic way 5 

Fast Friends. 1 act ; society quarrel and reconciliation 2 

A Fair Encounter. 1 act ; bright, with a diamond-cut-diamond plot.. 2 

Plays for Male Characters Only 

(15 CENTS EACH.) M. F. 

The Lost Heir. Drama in 3 acts ; excellent plot of unfla-ging interest. 10 

" Medica." Roaring farce in 1 act ; sure to please 7 

Wanted, A Confidential Clerk. Farce in 1 act; comic and spirited... 6 

Old Cronies. Farce in 1 act ; rollicking fun all through 2 

April Fools. Farce in 1 act ; brisk, bright and comic 3 

The Darkey Wood Dealer. Farce in 1 act ; always scores a success.. . 3 

Mischievous Bob. Comic drama in 1 act ; good moral 6 

The Wrong Bottle. Temperance sketch in 1 act 2 

Well Fixed for a Rainy Day. Temperance Drama in 1 act 5 

The Harvest Storm. Drama in 1 act; strong in its interest, with a 

comic underplot ; • • ; IO . 

Furnished Apartments. Farce in 1 act ; very laughable in its absurd v 

complications S 

The Widow's Proposals. A " Widow Bedott " farce in 1 act 3 

A Manager's Trials, Farce in 1 act ; creates shouts of laughter 9 f 

The Bachelor's Bedroom (" Two in the Morning')- Farce in 1 act . . 2 ^ 

The Dutchman in Ireland. Farce in 1 act ; good characters. 3 

The Ngger Night Scnooi. Farce in 1 act; a "screamer ' with 



specialties 



5 



I 



A Holy Terror. Farce in r act; white or black faces; specialties can 

be worked in ; uproariously funny 4 ^ 

HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 132 Nassau St., N. Y. \ 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



016 102 834 4 

5 



i 



5 



Exhibition Drills and Marches 

(15 CENTS EACH.) 

The Bootblack Drill. A comic novelty drill for several boys or girls repre- 
senting bootblacks. It is a living picture from real life, done in motion. 

The Clown's Horn Drill. A fantastic drill and march for boys or young 
men. The performers represent clowns who go through a comical man- 
ual, with tin horns. Contains, also, a dumb-bell exercise which may be 
retained or omitted. 

A Dutch Flirtation. A handkerchief drill for smallgnls, which carries out 
a clever little comedy in movement. Simple, and short enough for little 
folks to execute without fatigue, and is at once graceful and comical. 

The Indian Huntresses. A bow and arrow drill for girls of any age. Pict- 
uresque, with graceful figures and tableau effects. 

John Brown's Ten Little Injuns. A tomahawk march and drill for small 
boys or young men. The march, manual and chorus are all done to the 
old tune of the same name. Comic. 

The March of the Chinese Lanterns. A spectacular novelty drill and march 
for girls or young ladies. The drill and calisthenics are novel, and the 
march forms various graceful figures and pretty tableaux. 

Maud Muller Drill. A pretty pantomime drill for young ladies and gentle- 
men. Appropriate passages selected from Tennyson's poem are recited 
by a reader, while the story is acted out in marches, motions and poses. 

Red Riding Hood Drill. A novelty story in drill and song, for little folks. 
The story is represented in pantomime, with various figures, poses, mo- 
tions and short songs. 

Spring Garlands. A flower drill for young people of both sexes, represent- 
ing maids and gallants of ye olden tyme. Graceful calisthenic poses, 
evolutions with garlands and pretty marching figures, make a very pict- 
uresque and old-time effect. 

The Turk-ey Drill. A nonsense comedy song-drill for boys or young men; a 
suggestion of Thanksgiving Day. 

The Vestal Virgins. A spectacular taper-drill for girls or young ladies — a 
Sybil and any number of virgins. Works out a classic theme with pretty 
effect. Interwoven are pose-studies, marching figures and a gallery of 
the Muses. 

The Witches' March and Broom Drill. A fantastic drill for girls or young 
ladies, presenting a succession of contrasts in movement and pose. It is 
quite novel and striking. 



Various Entertainments 

(25 CENTS EACH.) 

The Japanese Wedding. A pantomime representation of the wedding cere- 
mony as it is done in Japan. Requires 13 performers and lasts about 50 
minutes. Is exceedingly effective. £ 

An Old Plantation Night. _ A musical and elocutionary medley for a double j 
quartet. Is not a "minstrel " show, I ut represents the life of the old- W 
time darkies, interspersed with song and story. A 

The Gypsies' Festival. A musical entertainment for children, introducing ^ 
the Gypsy Queen, Fortune-teller, Yankee Peddler, and a chorus of Gyp- V 
sies of any desired number. A 

The Court cf King Christmas. A Cantata for young folks, representing the ] 
ChrUtmas preparations in Santa Claus land. Young people, from six to 
sixty, are always delighted with it. 

King Winter's Carnival. An operetta for children, with 10 speaking parts 
and chorus. The action takes place in King Winter's apartments at the 
North Pole. Ends in a minuet. 

The Fairies' Tribunal. A juvenile operetta for 9 principal characters and a 
chorus. Interspersed are pretty motion-songs, dances and marches, a. 
drill and some good tableaux. Entertains both old and young. 

HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 132 Nassau St., N. Y. 



